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Robin Parke

SOME of you reading this may find it a trifle strange but I still tend to believe what I read in newspapers.

 So after a night's racing at Sha Tin last midweek, the alarm was set for 3.45 am for the purpose of watching the Euro 2000 qualifier between Northern Ireland and Moldova on the sports channel, ESPN.

 Television programmes do change, of course, but one can usually expect that if a certain game is advertised it will appear at more or less the time stated, particularly if it is live.

 The first hint of a night's decidedly broken sleep for absolutely nothing came when the immediate pictures definitely did not show Windsor Park in Belfast but, as it quickly transpired, the national stadium in Malta. And it was no replay, this was live.

 Those of you who bother to read this column and this newspaper will have long known that I most certainly do like my football but Malta versus FYR Macedonia is not a game worth missing any sleep over.

 It is not a game that was guaranteed to bring the soccer fans of Asia to a standstill, or a seat in front of their respective television sets.

 One is left to assume that ESPN was given the rights to it. It would be hard to justify paying for them.

 Malta have not won a World Cup or European Championship game and there are many who would find it hard to swear exactly where Macedonia is on the re-arranged map of Europe.

 The intriguing letters FYR in front of Macedonia actually stand for Former Yugoslav Republic - obviously a major clue to its whereabouts - so at least something was learned from the unfortunate episode.

 Macedonia did beat the Republic of Ireland in the last World Cup qualifying campaign and, in case the result may have passed you by, edged the Maltese 2-1.

 Someone later told me that they thought the Northern Ireland and Moldova game was on STAR Sports but that channel is no longer available to me.

 The satellite dish on the roof apparently rusted through but the fare offered is of such minimal interest that it was considered not worth repairing.

 With the Five-Nations rugby approaching, there may have to be a rethink.

 It really hadn't been much of a night. Since they invented the thing, I have taken a Six Up at the races but failed to do so that evening because of pressure of work. It paid half a million and all I can say is that it would have been a damned close thing.

 Having got up at an even earlier hour than usual for no ultimately useful purpose, it was probably not the most charitable time to reflect on the lack of quality attendant to all ESPN football presentations.

 Despite the alarming mediocrity of their commentators and expert assessors, the most intriguing question probably is this: when did any of them actually last see a game of football in the flesh, as it were?  Even in these days of Concord and almost passport-less borders, it is just not possible to zip from South America to Holland to Malta to America to Italy to Mexico. And some other places in between.

 Of course, Messrs Hill, Dellacamera, the appalling Tommy Smyth and the mumbling Eddie Mighten do virtually no travelling at all. In some studio somewhere on the face of this planet they sit, week after week, churning out the inadequate waffle that passes for commentary and expert analysis. Don't get me wrong, television is not necessarily an easy job - and it certainly isn't for the quartet mentioned. I am not short of experience in it myself and we all have our good days and bad days.

 What strikes me about ESPN's football presentations is that they are quite happy to settle for the totally mediocre. And that is not necessary.

 There are some very good commentators who are not full-time employed and who would certainly give the station a much-needed professional lift.

 It's not just Smyth and his dreadful 'onion bag', Dellacamera's high-octane delivery when little is happening, Hill's annoying habit of totally dispensin' with the letter 'g' and Mighten's frequent absurdities . . . it is the sure knowledge that the entire presentation could be so easily improved.

 Let's face it, without ESPN we would not have as much live football as we do and the station can certainly be warmly commended for bringing us the three European club competitions.

 Some of their more surprising inclusions - Dutch football live last season - proved to be frequently enjoyable.

 It is hard to believe that complaints about ESPN's commentaries come only from those who may be more used to the high quality of stations such as BBC or Sky. On numerous occasions we have heard more than adequate commentaries and presentations from European and Asian stations.

 Am I alone in wondering where ESPN actually found the above-mentioned quartet? Of course, I may have missed a media release detailing the quartet's background but it would be one worth seeing.

 It cannot be said, however, that they lack staying power.

 More's the pity.



Time to blow the whistle on coverage