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The Post has ruined Donald Tsang's speeches. We discovered this fact on Friday, when he defended his Mickey Mouse Budget before an audience of business heavies.

 The Financial Secretary made a scathing attack on his critics, threatening to withdraw government support from 'mindless' abusers.

 But this didn't satisfy Dutch Consul General Jochum Haaksma.

 Why hadn't the Budget addressed environmental problems, he wanted to know.

 And why didn't it contain any of Mr Tsang's trademark Hollywood film references, Mr Haaksma said.

 A note of sadness was detectable as Mr Tsang addressed this second issue.

 'I toyed with the idea, but was told not to,' he said.

 Apparently media nasties had told the money master his preoccupation with movies was 'irritating'.

 Mr Tsang then made mention of this very newspaper, saying he hoped the Post would be grateful for his oratory restraint.

 But Lai See is ungrateful.

 Those references lent his speeches a refreshing touch of lunacy.

 After all, who could forget the Basic Instinct speech, in which Donald likened himself to a bisexual murderess?  'Just like the star of Basic Instinct herself, I have nothing to hide,' the bespectacled Financial Secretary said.

 'I intend to reveal everything.'  But he conceded there were some differences between himself and the female sex predator.

 For example: 'I am a middle-aged man with all clothes on.'  Then there was the Silence of the Lambs speech, where Mr Tsang gave this rallying cry to government officials:  'My fellow lambs, harken unto me. I can hear the shears starting up.

 'Let us not be silent.'  Blockbuster Saving Private Ryan was Mr Tsang's latest pic pick.

 Apparently, Hong Kong people are really Tom Hanks.

 Remember him?  He's the one who loses the plot and sits in the path of an oncoming tank until somebody shoots him.

 Anyway, Friday's Dutch environmentalist had some movie advice for Donald.

 Mr Haaksma suggested the money man try and work in a reference to The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

 We're not exactly sure what this famously steamy flick has to do with the Budget or pollution problems.

 Unless its an oblique reference to Hong Kong air and The Unbearable Tightness of Breathing.

 But if Donald does decide to tackle another erotic role, we suggest something a little less mainstream.

 Perhaps the Spanish-directed Bow Tie Me Up, Bow Tie Me Down.

More squawking pilots.

 No, we aren't speaking of the boss-suing Cathay set.

 We speak of the problems or 'squawks' jotted down for ground crew at the end of each flight.

 Engineers resolve the glitches and make a note of what they've done.

 Lai See published a few earlier. We thought we'd add these:  Problem: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

 Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

 Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

 Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

 Problem: Target Radar hums.

 Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

It appears that Lai See has been engaging in felonious activity.

 Senior Legal Counsel Patricia To has alerted us to it.

 She represents E.I. du Pont de Nemours and Co.

 On Monday, we thoughtlessly referred to Wan Chai's 'lycra-and-stiletto buffet'.

 We received this e-mail, under the heading 'LYCRA* is a DuPont trademark'.

 'LYCRA is a registered trademark of E.I. du Pont de Nemours and Company ('DuPont') and refers to its special brand of spandex.

 'It is one of DuPont's most important and valuable trademarks.

 'Therefore, it is important to us that it is properly used, especially by popular writers such as yourself.

 'If you refer to LYCRA spandex in your writing, we would appreciate it if you would use it properly and appropriately.

 'It should refer solely to spandex product, and should appear all in capital letters or bold letters, with an indication that it is a DuPont registered trademark.

 'Your use of the LYCRA trademark in the context of your article is not appropriate use of our trademark and we request that you desist from such use in the future.'  Oh, dear.

 As a sign of repentance, Lai See will now repair to the gym, where she will put on her LYCRA*, a registered trademark of E.I. du Pont de Nemours and Co ('DuPont') leotard, and do a vigorous workout.



It's curtains for Donald's movie quotes