ANDREW Macmillen of Sartorius Ltd, To Kwa Wan, bought a rather elderly motorcycle recently. He then contacted a local insurance company to get it insured. A message came back via his secretary that the insurance company would not insure the vehicle unless he insured a Filipina domestic helper at the same time. Andrew thought something must have been lost in translation, as one would, but the secretary was adamant that this was exactly what had been said. He phoned the insurance company himself, and they told him the same thing. They then sent him some paperwork: two application forms for insurance coverage, one for a bike and one for a maid. He contacted another insurance firm and they had exactly the same policy: no domestic helper insurance, no motorcycle coverage. ''I believe this is new,'' said Andrew. ''I had a bike a few months ago and no such stipulations were made then.'' Can anyone from the insurance industry shed any light on this bizarre trend? Are these girls supposed to be guarding the bikes or something? The natural logical progression is for local motorcycle shops to start offering package deals, said Andrew. You buy a Honda 750 and get Theresa-Maria on the pillion seat for nothing. ''Or maybe Florinda will turn up to work on a '72 Bonneville,'' said Andrew. Wanupmanship RENFRED Wong of Tsuen Wan received a letter from the office of the Economist magazine, he told us yesterday. The envelope was addressed to ''Mr Tsuen Wan'' and the letter inside started ''Dear Mr Wan . . .'' Is this supposed to indicate that they think he has won some sort of beauty contest? Pinto: the fax MANY news publications, including the Far Eastern Economic Review, recently reported that Indonesian authorities had captured Constancio Pinto. Mr Pinto, a well-known rebel from East Timor, vanished from the streets of the Indonesian enclave recently. Well, we hear that the Hongkong head office of the Review got an unexpected fax from United States this week - from Mr Pinto. ''The reports of my capture by Indonesia have been greatly exaggerated,'' he wrote on the fax which came from a machine in Madison, Wisconsin. ''I am currently on a speaking tour of the US.'' The letter is to be published in the edition of the Far Eastern Economic Review released today under the headline: ''I'm Still Free''. Lau humour PETE George of the Centre of Environmental Technology was puzzled as to why the Entertainment Building, a tower soon to be filled with Suits, was so called. ''Now if Legco were to relocate . . .'' he said. Meanwhile, zany tax consultant Fred Fredricks told us yesterday he knew why the building, which is on the junction of Queen's Road Central and Wyndham Street, was so gothic. It is because it has taken so long to build. ''It was modern architecture when they started building it,'' said Fred. Twisted humour SEVERAL readers have sent in Twisted Titles (change one letter of a film or book and give it a new definition). The best ones by far came from Pete Gallo of Sai Wan Ho: The Frying Game: A look at the dai pai dong industry in Hongkong, with special reference to vendors of chau dou foo and chicken's feet. Done With the Wind: An epic tale about the unfortunate San Fernando Yacht Race. Live and Let Dip: A Hongkong Tourist Association film promoting scuba diving in Hongkong harbour as an excellent excuse to stay an extra day. Dive and Let Die: A Government information film advising against scuba diving in Hongkong harbour, made with the support of the Hospital Authority. Bag Trouble in Little China: Trade mark infringement drama about a factory in Taiwan and handbags that Louis Vuitton was none too pleased about. You Only Love Twice: A Government film about the AIDS risk. 2001: A Spice Odyssey: Promotional film by owners of Indian restaurants in Chungking Mansions. Fearless Frank FRANK Paul, winner of the Lamma Beauty Contest 1993, phoned yesterday. ''Would it be possible to arrange for me to have some time with Miss World, who I believe is in town at the moment?'' asked Frank, who works for a magazine called Business to Business. ''As a fellow beauty queen, I'm sure she would like to swap stories on shopping, back-stage nerves and all the aggressive bitching that surrounds our trade.'' If they found you in their changing room, Frank, there would be more than aggressive bitching.