Lai See thinks it's so cute the way rich men convince themselves they've got magical sexual charms that have nothing to do with their bank balances. Witness the case of Jack Welch, the world's greatest businessman and guru of all things managerial. He was in Shanghai last week giving advice to mainland business leaders at the Fortune Global Forum. One executive from a state-owned firm made the suspicious claim that his sales were at present growing at about 80 per cent a year. This, it seems, was less than expected. How could he improve? 'Hey, if you're growing at 80 per cent a year, you don't need advice from me,' came the rapid-fire reply. Another asked the soon-to-retire king of shareholder value what kept him going. What was the secret to success? The ultra businessman's response: 'Lose your wife and marry a women 17 years younger than you.' Lai See can only speculate as to what advice the wrinkly guru's current wife would dole out if asked the same question. Perhaps: 'Keep your lover and marry a rich man 17 years older than you.' And here's another one from the Men Can Be Such Pigs files. As CNN founder Ted Turner headed into a breakfast Q&A last week, he was introduced to a woman who, he was told, headed a sizeable firm. He apparently turned to wife Jane Fonda (who, rumour has it, is soon to become his ex) and said: 'That's great, we're all in favour of women on top, aren't we Jane?' Make of it what you will. Buy gold and watch out for terrorists. So sayeth the soothsayers at Financial Astrology. We've just received their latest missive, mapping out the future of the markets, world politics and Richard Gere's love life. It starts off with a little horn-blowing. We are told that over the past three months, the soothsayers enjoyed an 85 per cent accuracy rate - well above the levels enjoyed by more traditional market watchers. Lai See usually snorts derisively at this sort of thing, but we have to give the astrological marketeers credit where credit is due. Their chief stargazer was telling investors to get into heavy metal weeks before last weeks gold rush. Under the 'Editor's Musings' section of Financial Astrology's quarterly publication, he urged readers to go for the gold. 'I know I've said this before, but I believe investors will wish they purchased gold now as it will soar to new heights,' he said. 'I firmly believe, based on astrological indicators, that 30 per cent of any savvy investor's portfolio should be gold and gold stocks.' No sooner had these words hit the pages than gold prices soared star-ward. So it was with new respect that Lai See scanned the rest of their predictions. And it was with alarm that we discovered a 'TERRORIST WARNING!' smack in the middle of them. It seems Osama bin Laden is poised to strike, and everyone should avoid international flights in or out of America. And in case you were worried that Richard Gere might die alone, he is apparently on the brink of a fabulous marriage and will spend the rest of his days 'enjoying cooking, gadgets and the domestic routine at home'. Fascinating. We're not sure what Richard Gere's fate was doing sandwiched between economic prophecy and political predictions. Guess those astrology people like to know what the stars are up to. A reader sent us a list of definitions to words that the dictionary people somehow overlooked. Here are a few of them: PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.
