DERRICK Fung of Wackenhut Security Hongkong cancelled his Hutchison Telephone mobile phone last autumn. But then he got a bill which said: ''Amount immediately due: $0.0''. He got a similar letter the following month. And the next, and the next. ''We've even written a few times to ask them to stop sending us the bill, but it is still arriving every month,'' said Derrick. It has now been nine months. Does this mean that all customers and ex-customers get letters, whether they owe anything or not? Hands up the programmer at Hutchison Telephone who forgot to put a ''stop'' command on the billing computer. Talking about computers and money, Derrick passed on to us an extraordinary tale about a crooked cash-machine in Connecticut, United States. Thieves turned up at a shopping mall in Hartford and installed their own Automatic Teller Machine. Members of the public happily used it for 12 days, not realising that it was not connected to any bank, according to USA Today. The machine's cash-dispensing function was continuously ''out of order'', but its circuits recorded people's card numbers and secret passwords. After 12 days, the thieves removed the crooked ATM machine and used the details it had gathered to steal US$25,000 out of an honest ATM. Lai See's tip: if an ATM suddenly appears in the wall of a shack at a squatter colony near your home, it may be a fake. Or it might be Jetco, further increasing its market dominance. Wide boys THERE'S a fascinating ad in the May edition of the Australian Association's Kanganews, sent in by David Bottomley of Asian Commercial Research and several other readers. It invites applications for a ''broading'' school for boys. In our day, we were left to find out about the opposite sex by ourselves. Wed tape LONG boring wedding videos may soon be a thing of the past. Hongkong entrepreneur Robert Chua is hoping to persuade Hongkong lovebirds to switch to video discs. Discs have far more cachet than VHS tapes, and better still, they are fitted with electronic markers (called ''chapters'') which enable the viewer to skip instantly to the good bits, such as where the bride's father falls drunkenly into the cake. Robert will dispatch a team to record your function for $15,000. By the way, did you hear about the Hongkong wedding which was interrupted? The priest said: ''Do you take this woman to be your wife, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer . . .'' The bride said: ''Shut up, Father, you're putting him off.'' Incidentally, Robert Chua's trademark thick black 1960s specs are back in fashion, and are now on sale at Esprit for a whopping $350 a pair. Social game RUSSELL Gish, boss of Jimmy's Kitchen, was playing squash at the residents' club of Discovery Bay, the resort settlement on scenic Lantau island. On the next court, he saw two yuppies arrive, stripped for action - except for the mobile phone each carried. The mobile phones were placed at the back of the court, within earshot. Then the two yuppies started playing squash - with pagers strapped to their belts. Yes, the joys of getting away from it all. Small beer COORS, the US beer company, is this week advertising in regional publications in Asia for an international marketing manager, we hear from Thomas Bate. The salary is listed as ''From 10,000 yen up to 15,000 yen per month which includes base salary + allowances + fixed bonuses.'' Let's see. That works out as HK$690 to HK$1,050 a month, or about HK$200 a week. You can earn more baby-sitting. These Americans have a pretty poor idea of the standard of living in Asia, don't they? Seedy behaviour IN honour of the influx of visitors for the East Asian Games, a slogan has been erected in Shanghai, we heard from a gentleman there, which says: ''Spread the seeds of friendship across the world.'' We hate to be cynical, but this sort of thing often happens at international get-togethers. ''I wonder if it might lead to an outbreak of Athlete's Foetus?'' he asked.