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Do you love Hawaii? Are your dreams a medley of crystal seas and whispering palms?  Then Lai See brings you tidings of great joy. Sun Hung Kai is bringing Hawaii to Hong Kong.

 They told us all about it in their latest booklet.

 And a very impressive booklet it is, too.

 Grand Pacific Views is bound in a hard purple cover, with gold braid down the spine.

 Inside, a photo of a suspiciously blue sea neighbours a picture of palm trees silhouetted against a candy-pink sunset.

 Under the heading 'So rare. So Coveted' would-be buyers are urged to 'relish comfort and beauty that is comparable to a luxurious Hawaiian resort'.

 Residents can witness the wonders of the 'Hawaiian Landscaped Garden' and marvel at the resort's design concept, which was 'inspired by Hawaiian Resort Hotels'.

 That purple book does make it all sound terribly Hawaiian.

 'Glorious blue water no matter where you look,' the book says.

 'Situated on the coast of Castle Peak Road, the views from the property can be described as heavenly, and not to be found anywhere else.

 'Mountains and oceans gently wrap themselves around the entire property.'  Sheer poetry . . . and then the penny drops.

 'If you enjoy plane or car spotting, the airport and North Lantau Expressway is right in front of your eyes.'  Lai See suspects that even hardline members of the Get A Life Club wouldn't take time out from lint collecting to stand by a highway and 'car spot'.

 Anyhow, we're assured the Grand Pacific really is exactly like the Garden of Eden - only with planes booming overhead and a highway running through it.

 The Sun Hung Kai people seem desperate to demonstrate their extra special bond with Mother Nature. But we think they've taken things that one step too far.

 Says the booklet: 'If you find nature calling, then stroll across to the landscaped garden.'  No thanks. Call us conventional, but Lai See prefers to use the toilet.

We see ATV's English language news is combing Hong Kong searching for the creme de la creme of broadcast journalism.

 E-mails floating through cyberspace ask all and sundry whether they know of anyone who might be interested in working as a TV reporter.

 No experience required. Must have 'a decent look'.

 Yes, it's not just anyone who can land a job at ATV.

We've just received an invite to the premiere of a film called Shiri.

 The front features a picture of nine night goggle-clad men in uniform with guns raised and pointed towards the camera.

 Flip it over and there's a photo of the main character shooting at someone who's shooting back at him, while in the background, you can make out a couple more guys with guns preparing to shoot at other people.

 A little plastic bag comes with each 'Special Preview' invite.

 Inside is a large, solid metal bullet with the word 'Shiri' engraved on it.

 The bullet has been dipped in red paint to make it as though it's actually journeyed through someone's entrails.

 How charming.

 The invite doesn't say a single word about the film's content.

 But we're willing to bet that it DOESN'T feature Meg Ryan, a talking duck, or any member of the Walton family.

Think you're having the worst day imaginable? You're not. Lai See just received a list headed 'Next time you think you're having a bad day recall':   The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

 A minute later, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

  Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly, the pigs, all 2,000 of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

  Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



Aloha from Castle Peak Road, it's nature calling