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The Millennium is coming! The end is nigh! Well, some people seem to think so anyway.

 We recently received a little book full of 'Y2K tips'. These were among them:  Buy candles. Stock up on radio batteries. Get paper copies of your stock transactions. Ensure that hospitals have plenty of extra staff awaiting 'unforeseen emergencies'. And check your own building for potential problems 'before it's too late'.

 All very unnerving.

 See if you can guess who the scare mongerer was:  A) the leader of a Japanese death cult;  B) the Government;  C) the Pope;  D) a Y2K Web site specialising in the sale of emergency equipment.

 Wrong.

 It was our very own Government.

 The administration's paranoia-stoking came to us in the form of a prettily bound Information Services Department booklet entitled 'Y2K Almanac'.

 'Have some emergency lighting devices handy as necessary,' it warned Hong Kong citizens.

 'Also equip yourself with a radio that runs on battery so that you will not miss any important broadcasts.

 'Economise on water.

 'Building Installations: Check the common installations in your buildings before it is too late.

 'Stocks: to protect their own interests, investors should always keep records of any stock transactions and relevant documents.

 'The Hospital Authority has drawn up contingency plans, including the deployment of extra manpower and support services during the roll-over period.'  These people will deal with 'unforeseen emergency situations'.

 It wraps up with: 'Reminders: Stay tuned to radio and television broadcasts to find out how Hong Kong and other places in the world are coping with the millennium date change'.

 So if you were approaching the New Year's celebrations thinking there was nothing to fear but champagne spillage - think again.

 Lai See has.

 She's already binned her ballgown and torn up her party ticket.

 We plan to spend a festive evening wearing army fatigues and emergency escape shoes, squatting beside a battery-powered radio in flickering candlelight.

Sounds like things are getting awfully risque over at the Arts Centre.

 Or maybe it's just Lai See reading into things.

 But we couldn't help raise an eyebrow when we saw their two upcoming shows were called The Power of the Organ and The Nutcracker.

Have you checked out the new i-Cable site?  They've gone to great pains to make sure everyone feels welcome.

 According to their Web page: 'Anybody can join Cable iWorld (Chinese-only registration) regardless of nationality, age and gender.'  How nice.

 We gather all nationalities are invited to register - as long as that nationality is Chinese.

This week's horror stories for the Worst Boss competition hosted by myboss.com:  I stutter. It's a problem I deal with daily.

 The other day, I volunteered to help my boss through his first session on-line and on the Internet.

 After he logged on, I suggested which search engine he might want to start with.

 Grinning from ear to ear, he turned around to face his computer.

 Looking over his shoulder, I saw him type: www.

yahoo.com.com.

 Our real-estate firm wanted innovative ways to expand sales.

 My boss suggested a new long-term community concept to serve the elderly.

 He wanted to call it 'Lots and Plots'.

 Luckily, the idea died at the first meeting.

 Our boss decided to make our 'fax blitz' more impressive to customers.

 He suggested we use yellow paper.

 After reviewing quarterly sales records, I noticed that one division of our company was selling parts at or below cost.

 I checked into previous quarters and found that this was occurring on a regular basis.

 When I marched into my boss' office and explained my discovery, I was startled to learn that my boss was fully aware of the situation.

 'How can this division ever hope to show a profit?' I asked.

 'Volume!' was the response.



Better be ready to hunker in your Y2K bunker