The electoral machine was in full swing when Lai See left her flat yesterday morning. As the mighty escalator bore us Central-ward, District Board hopeful Wong Man-yin lurked at the bottom. She greeted members of her electorate as they were conveyor-belted down the hill towards Central. We recognised her from her campaign flyers. She brandishes an impressive collection of academic letters and frets about radon gas. 'Good morning,' Ms Wong said to Lai See, flashing an impressive collection of teeth. Bit unoriginal, this mingling with the voters business. Now Ng Sze-fuk - there's an original candidate. Not for him this pumping of hands and kissing of babies. As the last pre-election days slipped away, so did the Sai Kung District Board hopeful. A call to his office revealed that the invisible candidate was off charming the population of Beijing, and would remain there for most of the week. 'He had to go to a charity event,' his office explained. 'He didn't want to go, but had no choice.' Hmm. Ignoring the imminent election seems an odd approach to take. But Hong Kong turnout rates being what they are, he probably learned it from the voters. We see drug-dealers are doing well in the mainland. They're even supplying the nation's leaders. A Bloomberg report tells us medicine-manufacturers are just about the only companies who haven't found the mainland's austerity programme a bitter pill. 'Everyone gets a cold, everyone gets old,' rhyming pharmaceutical company general manager Xu Xiaoxuan was quoted as saying. 'Even the leaders responsible need medicine.' So they turn to people such as Mr Xu and sample his wares. Lai See isn't surprised that government types go for outside help. Leaders who impose austerity measures prefer to avoid having a taste of their own medicine. Lai See has decided to move to Albury-Wodonga in Australia. Cool stuff happens there. We learned about it in The Border Mail newspaper. We started reading it at Hong Kong professor Bob McKercher's suggestion. Albury may be small, but a headline tells us it boasts two of Australia's most 'dynamic milkmen'. The article informs us that the 'milkos' just reached the finals of the prestigious 'milk vendor of the year' competition. Contestants are judged on criteria such as 'presentation of their delivery vehicle'. But the story that grabbed our attention was the one headlined: 'Harry's Quick Action Prevents Injury As Bowler's Shirt Erupts'. This above a photo of a man with a little charred spot on his shirt holding up a metal cigarette lighter and staring gravely into the camera. 'Windsor Park lawn bowler Ron Groves says he shudders to think of the injuries he could have received after his shirt caught fire on Saturday,' the text tells us. 'But Harry Gardiner's effort cost him a burnt bowling hand when material from the burning polyester shirt stuck to it.' It seems Mr Groves' breast pocket was ignited by the lighter inside. 'Bowling opponent Harry Gardiner saw the pocket of Mr Groves' shirt on fire and patted it with his right hand.' Then there's this quote from the man who caught fire: 'Only for his quick action, I could have been in strife.' We're informed that it was a warm day and there was 'plenty of body heat in the shirt'. Ew. That was a little more information than Lai See needed. Anyway, Harry the Hero soldiered on and continued lawn bowling despite his fiery-shirt-patting injury. ('It stung for some time and blistered a little,' said The Border Mail ). Ominously, the suspect garment was 'Chinese-made'. 'Mr Groves said he wanted to make people aware of the danger with the shirts,' the report said. Wow. Just think of all the breast-pocket-using, metal-lightered, lawn-bowler lives that could be saved. Philosophical Questions of the Day: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?