The combined award for the cheesiest jingle and best advice goes to Brown & Williamson. Those calling the US tobacco giant are entertained and educated by a call-waiting tune attempting to put purveyors of the weed on the right side of anti-smoking campaigners. Let me set the scene. Five brothers, dressed in dungarees, probably referred to as 'Good 'ol boys' and each having an extra toe or two, are tossing hay on to the back of a rickety flat-bed truck as they sing this little ditty. 'Ohhhhh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant, its leaves so proud and greeeeen. But you shouldn't think about the tobacco plant, if you're still a teen. Because tobacco is a big person's plant and that's the way it should beee. So if you're under 21, go and climb a treeeee. Ohhhhh, the tobacco plant is a lovely plant, and that my friends is no yarn. We let it ripen in the field then hang it in the baaarrrrn.' The catchy, toe tapping tune is followed by a stern message: 'If you think that really sucked, we agree. Write a better song about the tobacco plant and we'll use it.' Lai See has one. 'The tobacco plant is a choking plant, it'll remove you from the gene pooool. But the tobacco industry, it didn't care, so now we're going to sue yooou.' Has your flat devalued by 40 per cent? Is the value of your portfolio down? Are your mutual funds underperforming? Don't worry, the chance that the earth will be hit by killer asteroids in the next thousand years has decreased by 0.5 per cent which means the outlook for investors is not so bleak. These and other stellar investment snippets are from US-based money manager Henry Weingarten through 'The Astrologers Fund'. Mr Weingarten, who has been involved in astrology since 1967 and money management since the late 80s, hands out investment advice by gazing at the heavens. Some of his investors appear to be a planet short of a solar system with gems such as: 'My ruler is Neptune so does this mean oil stocks would be lucky for me?' and 'I'm an Aquarius, will the Canadian stock market flourish soon?' One rocket scientist must be gargling with a mouth full of meteors while pointing out that: 'The three Saturn square Uranus passes . . . Sat direct squared Ura Rx, and tech stocks fell 40 per cent.' What??? Lai See listens to most financial advice with interest, but has his own advice for these star struck investors. Stop talking from Uranus. Hats off to Anthony Chow, president of the Hong Kong Law Society, who is carrying the flame for women's rights. In his weekly news letter, Mr Chow trumpets a cheer to 'all ladies in general'. He reminisces about a recent seminar he attended where one of the lady panel speakers jokingly suggested, by way of response to a question raised by a lady attendee, that perhaps International Women's Day, March 8, ought to be abolished. The reason? Women are now on a par with men. Mr Chow's immediate reaction was one of total agreement, except he would go one step further. 'There should instead be an International Men's Day, just to sum up how some men feel nowadays, which is that women are more equal than men,' he said, adding 'well done Ladies'. Lai See is looking forward to Mr Chow's next column in which he praises women after discovering they are able to open doors by themselves. It's official, dotcom companies have lost their shine and are yesterday's stars. A press conference yesterday for pp.com, a four-month old property portal, drew a larger than expected turnout from Hong Kong's news mongers on the promise of a guest appearance by Mico Chung, an executive director of Richard Li's Pacific Century CyberWorks. CyberWorks has a 25 per cent stake in the property start-up. Mr Chung's visit was short and sweet, and he left after failing to satisfy media appetite for news of his boss' recent meetings with media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Unperturbed, the press surrounded him outside the JW Marriott hotel where the meeting was held. Three middle-aged ladies, tense with excitement, asked the assembled reporters who the 'superstar' was. Receiving the reply, the ladies were visibly unimpressed. 'He's no star, he's from CyberWorks,' they lamented.