ONE of the Hongkong Bank junks went out for a jaunt on Wednesday evening, arriving back at Blake Pier late in the evening. A second junk from the bank's stable docked at the same time. Suddenly, the passengers saw a man had jumped into the water, and appeared to be swimming out into the harbour. Both junks tried to help him out, but he was adamantly swimming away from them. He had some sort of bag with him, which helped him stay afloat. Staff on the Way Chuen, a junk hosted by Hongkong Bank staffer Ian Guthrie, decided that he needed someone to keep an eye on him. They followed him and kept a spotlight focused on him. Then they realised that a massive white cruiser was heading for the swimmer, but the junk crew flashed its lights and the boat stopped. Then an enormous black shadow loomed up on the group: it was the Star Ferry, bearing straight down towards them. Fortunately the ferry captain realised something was amiss, and came to a stop. The drama ended at about 11.30 pm when a police boat arrived on the scene and hauled him out of the water. It was remarkable to see the world's busiest harbour grind to a halt because one chap decided to go for a swim at an odd hour. We can only think that he was a Lamma resident who had missed the 11.20 pm last ferry. Bold types IAN Woodward of Sedgwick Direct Marketing spotted a sign on Wednesday at the Pacific Place Conference Centre: ''Linotype Hell''. In the room concerned was a group of people from the printing industry. You would think the organiser would have given his conference a more flattering name. Ferry amusing DAVID Chappell, Lamma photo-journalist, was chuckling over a sentence on the letters page of this newspaper yesterday. A ferry user wrote: ''I could tell from his trousers that he was an employee of the ferry company.'' It sounds like a Hongkong version of the famous Mae West saying, the one that goes something like: ''Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you a Hongkong Ferry employee?'' Talking of ferries, David was on the Man Loy ferry from Lamma to Central on Friday afternoon last week when he found himself sitting near the ferry's insurance certificate. This had been issued by a firm called ''West of England (Luxembourg)''. This shipping insurer's name does not exactly give you confidence in its geographic skills. Incidentally, the certificate indicated that coverage was more than three months out of date, having expired on February 20. Most wanted TONY Giles, security manager of the Convention Centre, lost his wallet and thus his ID card in a taxi last week. So he went to Wan Chai police station to report the loss. On the wall was a notice bearing words to the effect of: ''We're not interested in lost ID cards. Go to the Immigration Department.'' At the Immigration Department, he was told that the quota was full, and he should make an appointment for another day. It is an offence for Hongkong citizens to go around without ID cards, so Tony, having been turned by circumstances into an arch-criminal, tiptoed about for a few days, managing to avoid getting caught. This week he went back to the Immigration Department and handed in his passport and various forms. When the new card was ready, he was asked to pay $170 for it. Tony looked in his pocket. Uh-oh. Not enough cash. Immigration Department staff told him they could not hand over his ID card or passport without money. He hot-footed it to a bank to get some cash. Staff at the bank told him they could not hand over any money unless he showed them his ID card or passport. Destiny seems to have marked you out to remain a law-breaker, Tony. Pallas ADVERTISING man and racing fan Hans Ebert was watching the Queen Mother's Cup at Happy Valley race course the other day. During the trophy presentation for this race, the band struck up the theme from Dallas. ''I know the exploits of the Royal family have become something of a soap opera but this was a bit much,'' said Hans. Analysis READERS were remarkably in tune with each other about the meaning of ''Hemorrhoik''. Suggestions came from lots of unrelated people, including Joy Yates of Brewin Path, Helen Clements of the RSPCA, Matthew Smith of Hongkong Bank, Simon McCrum of Inchcape Insurance Services, Mike Sinfield of De La Terre Group and Bob Stacey of Varian Pacific. They all visualised the same basic character: a young, anal-retentive, soccer-following lager-loutish expat youth. With this amount of consensus, we suggest Longman Hongkong immediately add the word to its dictionaries. Virgin's first LONDON'S Virgin Atlantic Airways plans to follow the lead of Hongkong's Far East Jetfoils and promote on-board gambling by passengers. In November it will introduce an inflight entertainment system that includes video poker, slot machines and roulette. Other big airlines are eyeing the idea. The airline plans to win the games, as it would be useful extra revenue. Imagine heading off on holiday and arriving there completely wiped out.