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AMY wept: ''I can't tell you how guilty I feel leaving my mum back there alone when she needs me the most.''   Amy has been living abroad for the past 15 years with her husband and three children.

  Her widowed mother recently developed heart complications. Last year, Amy spent two months in Ireland to take care of her.

  During the following eight months, as her mother's condition deteriorated, Amy has flown between Hongkong and Ireland several times. She is exhausted.

  Amy has her hands full. She feels responsible for her ageing mother, and her own family. She tries to be strong and take care of everyone, but deep inside she is in turmoil.

  Living abroad, thousands of kilometres from her mother, never bothered Amy.

  But now, having realised her mother will not live forever, the guilt is taking over. The idea of abandoning her and depriving her of seeing the grandchildren growing up all those years causes her many regrets.

  Amy has to come to terms with her relationship with her mother. During the many years abroad, she never felt an endearing closeness. But like many other adult children, she feels compelled to offer her love during the fading moments of her mother's life,only to find there is a big gap between them.

  The emptiness turns into overwhelming sadness. Many ask themselves: ''Why didn't I get to know him more?'' or ''Why did she make herself such a difficult person to like?'' Feelings of guilt or resentment torment many adults taking care of their parents.

  Running back home to rescue an ailing parent is for many people an attempt to compensate for guilt and for not having spent time together.

    In Amy's case, her frequent trips to Ireland have a negative impact on her family in Hongkong.

  The family, especially the children, has to juggle to survive during her absence. Her travel inevitably arouses tension between Amy and her husband.

  And whenever the family decides to travel, the destination is always Ireland and Amy's mother. Family members begin to resent her mother as an outside interference.

   Running back every time something is not right may not be helpful for the parent. It causes a role reversal situation: the child becomes the protector of the parent.

  This can reinforce the sense of helplessness for many elderly people, many of whom are capable and independent. Having another adult hovering over them can be as overbearing and debilitating as an overprotective parent to a child.

   Adult children have to understand their limitations and inability to cope with the stress of taking care of elderly parents.

  An individual like Amy puts her life on hold because she anticipates the need to run home at any moment. This not only disrupts family life but causes her to feel out of control of her own life. The frustration may be inflicted in turn on the elders, in the form of aggressive behaviour or abuse.

   Amy needs to have more realistic expectations of herself. Since she cannot always be physically present, it is important she arranges full-time help for her mother, such as a live-in nurse or nursing home. Keeping regular contact through phone conversations will offer comfort and assurance the elder is being cared for.

  Amy also needs to draw a line between her mother's needs and her family.

  She has to carry on her life, accept her limitations and trust she is doing her best within the bounds caused by geographical distance.

  Finally, she needs to try not to force her mother's problem on to the whole family. The above is not an actual case. Cathy Tsang-Feign is a licensed psychotherapist at the Vital Life Centre, phone: 877-8206.



Coping with guilt as a parent is taken ill