Saturday mornings, don't you just love them. Relaxing around the flat, reading the paper, a hearty breakfast, and perhaps a glass or two of Dongjiang bog-water. Sorry, did we say bog-water? We meant to say river water. Yes, that's right, the wet stuff that comes gurgling from your taps is Dongjiang river water. And in case you didn't know, that's where Hong Kong gets 80 per cent of its drinking water. Mmmm, don't you just love the taste of that Dibromochloromethane? Or is it those cheeky little Trichloroacetonitriles that hit the spot? Before you all rush off and gag down the pan, don't worry. Hong Kong has the safest tap-water on the planet. Lee Shing-see, Secretary for Works, said so. Mr Lee said tests showed Hong Kong's water conformed fully to international health standards. However, what is disturbing is the list of chemicals that the water is tested for. Some of the names are as long as the Dongjiang river; and there are so many of them. But what concerns Lai See is that the Mainland East Laboratory of Water Supplies Department feels the need to test for these things. That means they might actually be there. Worrying stuff. But then again, maybe not. A survey by British consumer publication Health Which? found that a glass of water from Thames Water, central London's utility company, tastes better than many of the expensive bottled varieties. A panel of experts tested 25 mineral waters, 13 spring waters, two types of bottled drinking water and a sample from Thames Water. They awarded top scores to unfiltered and filtered Thames Water, describing it as 'earthy and chalky' with 'very low flavour and odour'. Lai See compared a glass of rust-filled Dongjiang river-water from the taps of his Mid-Levels pile with a glass of Perrier and found they were right. Dongjiang river water is muddy and tastes like bog-water, while Perrier just tastes like bog-water with bubbles in it. But this got Lai See thinking, as these things invariably do, as to what other secrets are being kept from us. What other putrid, foul-smelling, health-risking resources and services defy the doomsayers, and are actually the best in the world? Victoria Harbour: Despite the fact that in May 1992, water samples taken by the dean of Hong Kong University's Faculty of Science, Dr John Hodgkiss, showed the water contained little or no oxygen because of the large amounts of untreated waste being poured into it, the harbour is the world's best fishing ground. Said one fisherman yesterday: 'At one point the sun was blocked out by a cloud of leaping mullet.' Sea food: In July 1995, female snails were found to be growing penises because of a gender-bending pollutant in local sea water that was turning them into infertile males. Scientists attributed the problem to the powerful chemical Tributyl tin which is used in marine paint. This is good. Hong Kong sea-food eaters are now getting more snail for their money than anyone else in the world. Education: Lai See asked a fish-ball salesman what he thought of the standard of education in Hong Kong. He said: 'Contrary to the popular misconception by outmoded xenophobic colonialists siding with their imperialist masters, the true and just picture of the state of Hong Kong's education system is understood by myself and my jingoistic compatriots.' What? When asked how his education compared with that of his colleagues, a professor of linguistics from Oxford University said: 'It ain't dun me no 'arm.' Sports facilities: Sydney, shmydney. Hong Kong should dump the idea of hosting the Asian Games and bid for the Olympics. Let's face it, what has Sydney got that the SAR hasn't? Once the oiks have been cleared out of the Southorn Playground in Wan Chai, international athletes will have access to basketball and five-a-side footy facilities that are the envy of the world. And they are only five minutes from the Beer Castle. Elbows: How else would you be able to barge your way on to every form of public transport? Residents, especially the older generation, have elbows that are honed to perfection. A well-placed elbow somewhere in the groin area guarantees bums on seats.