There is nothing worse than kitchy, theme restaurants that lack atmosphere and serve over-priced food. Well, actually, there is - kitchy, theme restaurants that serve over-priced food and offer appalling service.
Unfortunately, that was how I found Balalaika during an almost farcical visit recently. There were too many annoyances to enjoy a relaxing dinner. First was the blaring traditional folk music, then the flaming shaslik performances. Every few minutes the lights were dimmed, the music volume lowered and the staff would start clapping. This was all in aid of shasliks which were served on a stand, had vodka poured over them and set alight. On one occasion this special touch turned into a comedy of errors when the lights were first turned up to blinding brightness then dimmed to complete darkness while a waitress clapped herself through the shaslik sizzle.
When we told the overzealous waiter that we were not ready to order, he stood over us nonetheless, asking repeatedly if we wanted vodka (which was priced up to $400 for a bottle of Smirnoff) or piroshkis - soft bread buns filled with mushroom, spinach or minced meat. Then came the great plate shuffle in which first too many, then too few plates were placed on the table, only to be swept away again.
But what of the food? That was a slightly different matter. As much as we would have loved caviar and blinis (up to $700 for 30g of Iranian Beluga), the more 'affordable' sevruga ($280 for 30g) was unavailable, as was the poached crayfish with dill starter ($75).
We opted for the simple but tasty smoked salmon, trout, eel and cod platter ($75) with cucumber salad and flavourful homestyle Siberian pork dumplings ($55) before moving on to juicy and huge beef chunks of the flaming shasliks ($135) and tender but uninspired chicken Kiev ($140). Both mains were served with boiled broccoli and carrots and deep-fried potatoes with little care taken in their presentation.
The piroshkis ($15 each) proved the most satisfying part of the meal, which came to $656 for two, including 10 per cent service charge, two coffees ($25) and three Perrier waters ($28).