Bah, humbug! Who wants to be happy anyway?

THE philosopher J. Krishnamurti once opened his address to a group of us in England by saying: ''Today I will speak about happiness.'' The great man meandered on for 31/2 hours. When he had stopped for long enough to appear to be finished, a Seeker of Truth at the front raised his hand and asked him if he was happy. Krishnamurti became agitated. ''I have no idea,'' he snapped, and left the room.

Now I read that one Dr Michael Argyle, described as a psychologist and Emeritus Reader in Happiness at Wolfson College, Oxford (and you thought these things only happened in America), has launched his new book on the subject. This, according to Dr Argyle, brings to just three the number of books on happiness - and the good doctor has written two of them.

He studies happiness, he says, because depression and despair have - if you'll pardon the pun - been done to death.

There is an assumption here that everyone wants to be happy. That's what Argyle thinks. I reckon he will sell 13 copies of his new book; he will take a dozen and his mum will give him one for Christmas.

Argyle does not get it. People only say they want to be happy. They don't really want to be. That is why there are only three books on happiness and about 37 million on misery. He may well be a red hot Emeritus Reader but he knows nothing about what the average bloke wants as opposed to what he says he wants.

If the world was ready for books on happiness we would have 37 million titles available right now instead of entire bookstores of advice on how to get through the day without slashing your wrists.