DENNIS Levanthal, director of the China division of SGS laboratory, was at Beijing airport in the waiting room attached to Gate 40. It was a sweltering 31 degrees outside. Inside, there were air-conditioners and fans, but the temperature was even hotter, since none of them was switched on, and all the windows and doors were kept firmly closed. In other words, everything was pretty much as normal. Or was it? After cleaning his glasses for the third time, Dennis realised that he was in a fast-thickening cloud of smoke. Peering through the haze, he counted no less than seven people puffing away at cigarettes - all of them airport ground crew staff. Also clearly visible were 15 ''No Smoking'' signs. Dennis went to the service counter. He commented to the attendant on the number of ''No Smoking'' signs and the large number of people offending against this regulation. She peered around. ''That's okay,'' she said. ''They're not passengers.'' Beak condition BALAKRISHNA Rao of Mansfield Road, the Peak, nipped into Park'N Shop in the Hang Seng Bank building in Central. In the bathroom supplies section was a sign saying ''Toothpaste for Chicken''. Now we have nothing against people spoiling their domestic animals. But poultry don't even have teeth. Invite yourself THERE was panic at 126 Lockhart Road yesterday. This will shortly be the site of a new Wan Chai nightclub called The Highway. This place will be cross-cultural, staffed by gwai mooi (Western girls), and with Filipina slinky dancers on stage. It was scheduled to open next month - until yesterday. A fung shui man triggered a crisis. ''The correct day for opening is the 28th day of the sixth month,'' he said. ''You must open on that day.'' Mamasan Pat Sefton at first said this was impossible. Many of the girls have not yet arrived. But after a discussion with owner Christine Yu, it was decided that they should follow the commands of the fung shui man. Since he has declared that it will open between 5 pm and 8 pm on Monday next week, Christine and Pat don't even have time to send out invitations. ''If any of our friends and associates hear about it, consider yourselves invited,'' said Pat. Just think: people spend years studying Harvard Masters of Business Administration degrees, and then the fung shui man changes everything by feeling the vibes. Rabbit, run WHY on earth is Li Ka-shing's Hutchison UK wasting its time and energy battling adman Chris Joseph of Hook Advertising over the Rabbit logo? Mr Joseph is a colourful character and knows how to get the public on his side. He lost one hand in an accident and has a hook fitted in its place. The 'R' logo isn't good enough to defend. Nick Foxall of Design Stream, a Wan Chai design consultancy, said: ''If I were Mr Li, I'd be employing my lawyers to try and disown it.'' Speech defect THE Trade Development Council is doing something about improving the standards of English in Hongkong, according to a brochure. An English course for executives is to be held from July 14 onwards. ''This course aims to make executives more effective in the language and techniques for making presentative [sic]. . . It is aimed at trade executives and other [sic] wish to enhance their spoken English in terms of accuracy and appropriate use of the language in these executives [sic] functions.'' Well, there is certainly a widespread need for it in Hongkong, including in their own office. Shooting stars HAVE you noticed there haven't been any crimes involving men running around the streets of Hongkong firing guns for a while? Never fear. A troop of Hongkong Rambos are setting up a gun range in Jardine's Lookout. The sound of exploding bullets will soon echo around our ears again. Brochures for this are being sent out with the Hongkong General Chamber of Commerce membership package. We can only assume that members think arming up makes good business sense. Only correct ALAN Willis of Synetics wanted to add to our list of brain-testing statements: The future isn't what it used to be. I feel more like I do now than I did this time last year. No matter where you go, there you are. They say it's not as bad as they say it is. Living too long can be fatal. Heredity runs in my family. I've forgotten many of my earliest memories. If any of the above make sense to you, you can get a job writing speeches for Legco members. Obscene riches THE film Indecent Proposal opens in Hongkong today. Someone in the US did a financial survey of the film's central premise: how much would someone have to pay you to have an affair with them? Nearly three out of four men said they would offer their services for US$100 or less, according to Men's Health magazine. But 80 per cent of women said their bottom line would be at least US$1,000. Mike Lafavore, editor of Men's Health, said: ''When we asked our staff the same question, most of the guys asked how much they would have to pay.''