The musky tang of dung hangs heavy and cloying in the air as the sun struggles over the brown Krazy-Kastle ramparts of the Samphran Elephant Ground and Zoo. It's already nudging 30 degrees Celsius and the smell, announcing the presence of pachyderms to anyone who missed the garish roadside signs, seems to make the sticky air thicker, catching at the back of the throat.
A thumping beat pulses from somewhere within the walls. Follow it, past the sullen monkeys scratching at scabs in rows of tiny cages, the yawning albino crocodile and the indifferent stares of tigers applying fat pink tongues to morning ablutions. The sound is issuing from a stage, where a waifish chap is flapping his arms and yelling instructions at 20 confused and exceedingly large women, each shaking her bounteous booty like there's no tomorrow.
The waif shrieks. The music stops. And there is a rumble like thunder as more than two tonnes of female flesh judders to a halt. Those who were out of time look sheepish. Those who were on the beat look peeved. They all look very sweaty. Double chins and dewlaps, dimpled knees and canyon cleavages jiggle and shimmer in the harsh glare of the stage lights.
With a shriek of feedback, the music kicks in again. The women are walking like Egyptians, doing the funky chicken and what must be the Thai version of the hand jive. Rivets groan and rusty steel complains. 'My, my, my, hey, hey, hey,' wails the singer, 'don't ya know Rome wasn't built in a day.' Neither were these imposing physiques.
You don't tip the scales at 100kg without serious, sustained eating, and the contestants rehearsing the group dance number have all earned their place in the finals of the 2001 Jumbo Queen Contest. Within two hours, thousands of spectators will have gathered at the Nakhon Pathom Zoo, on the outskirts of Bangkok, to witness this procession of elephantine beauty. From a humble start six years ago the pageant has grown to be one of the kingdom's most-watched and hardest-fought contests, rivalling Pattaya's Miss Tiffany ladyboy extravaganza and even Miss Thailand itself.
Stretching out ahead is a long, gruelling day of tantrums, tears and tiaras. Tempers will be tested, composure strained. Tens of thousands of baht are up for grabs. Those who think these women are just here for a giggle should wrap themselves in several layers of Lycra, silk and tulle, strap four or five 10kg dumbbells around their waists, then lock themselves in a sauna and try dancing for an hour or two.
It won't be over until the fat ladies have sung - or, in most cases, lip-synched - their way through a talent segment, shown their poise and personality, modelled their most stunning creations (there is no swimsuit section) and partaken of the 'jumbo banquet'. Those charged with deciding who will ascend to the faux-ivory throne this year, as well as consolation categories including Miss Mahout's Favourite, Miss Photogenic and Miss Green World, include a film director, local political heavyweights and a septuagenarian princess with purple hair. They will choose the contestant who 'best exhibits the characteristics of an elephant, by virtue of her grace, elegance and size'. The winner will be expected to do her bit publicising the cause of elephant conservation, travelling around the kingdom attending functions, giving interviews and helping raise funds.