MY FRIEND said having an affair may in fact help my marriage.'' Jacky has felt unhappy in her marriage for the past five years. For various reasons she thinks nothing can be done to improve the situation. She feels stuck with her emptiness and pain.
Generally speaking, people in unsatisfactory marriages do not look for an affair. But in such a situation they are vulnerable to extra-marital relationships. Often an affair is used as an escape, distraction, or to help endure an unpleasant situation.
Once an affair is initiated, it alters the marriage. It is not an escape, but rather something that consumes one's life: a never-ending series of secrets, lies, pain and confusion.
The spouse becomes an outsider, kept at arm's length. The marital relationship takes on a lesser role. This discourages individuals from putting any effort into resolving marital problems or from making the marriage work.
The extra-marital relationship is not only a deception toward one's spouse but toward the individual. Such outer and inner deceptions go through stages, like the affair: Euphoria: An individual suddenly seems to find happiness in a new-found relationship. The affair allows them to release pent-up feelings and emotions. They think they have found the piece missing from their life.
People like Jacky will experience temporary relief through a new-found relationship. Her once-repressed emotions now burst out like a flood, as she feels newly-loved and cared for. On the other side of her life, her marriage seems to be less important and more intolerable than ever.
Getting attached: She plans her life around the affair and is willing to risk the marriage to maintain the relationship. However, in most cases the two parties have different degrees of attachment, with one side ready to leave her marriage while the other is happy to maintain his, while merely playing on the side.