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SCMP Reporter

NORMALLY we're against fax chain letters, which are effectively annoying viruses infecting the world's telephone network.

   But the chain letter of St Pepe Lopez is too weird to ignore.

 It was received by Paul Springer of importer Ez-a-boy Enterprises.

   Like other letters of its type, you're supposed to make 10 copies and send it to 10 people you know within 96 hours.

 But then the strangeness starts. The letter states: ''After you have done this, go to the nearest bar and order seven different alcohols, eg beer, wine, vodka, rum, tequila and whisky (one for each of the seven deadly sins).

  ''After swallowing each one, recite the Lord's Prayer slowly without slurring. After you have finished your seven drinks, you will feel happy already.''   After seven different drinks we sure feel happy, but experience says we can't even recite our address without slurring, never mind the Lord's Prayer, as taxi drivers across the territory will testify.

  Paul swears the letter works and says that after following the instructions he proposed to his girlfriend Sue on Saturday night and she said yes.

  ''I've asked her loads of times before and she's always said no,'' he says.

  He had the seven drinks (all the same, not seven different) and reckons this was a factor - certainly a factor in getting the question asked, even if it was not a factor in the answer.

  These letters always have a list of successes and failures from across the world of people who got rich or died because they followed or ignored the instruction.

  This is no exception. One claimed success is an ''Asian movie talent scout'' who ''found much happiness''. Another is a Hongkong lawyer who also prospered.

  Fans of such letters will be disappointed to find that the two success stories above are named as ''Chin Chi-ming'' and ''W. Reid''.

  Fax off STILL on junk faxes, mild-mannered Kate Arnold at Asian Law and Practice was horrified to find a fax telling her to **** off in very, very strong language from someone furious at the fax adverts sent out by the company.

  The company is keen to point out that it only sends such faxes to those who have previously ticked a little box, and promises faithfully to stop sending them to anyone who wants the box effectively unticked.

  The senders brain-power does not match his vocabulary though. This cowardly character removed the little line from his fax which gives his own fax number. This is a 100 per cent sure way of making sure that he stays on the list and get some more.

   Shock absorber  ANYONE looking for a car in yesterday's Classified Post would have found an interesting comment on driving conditions in the territory.

  Roger Thomas, shortly to leave Duty Free Shoppers, is attempting to sell his Toyota Camry and had been told that locals were under the impression that Europeans look after their cars better. Another selling point was the car's alarm system.

  A mis-hit on the keyboard has created a car that is ''alarmed European owned''.

   Shelf life  BOB Young of Autolink Asia, Sai Kung, received an unsolicited list of shelf company names from an agency called Saurdic Secretarial Services.

  Before throwing it away, he glanced at the companies on offer.

  ''I doubt whether many corporate clients will be rushing to buy Dense Power International,'' he said.

  But people on the shady edge of the unlicensed forex industry may wish to buy another firm on the list, Conman Investment Ltd.

  People in Hongkong selling or smuggling Bibles may wish to know that Christlike Ltd is available.

  Perhaps the oddest of the lot was Bonking Industrial Ltd.

   Sign of the crime  ANOTHER DIY crime guide has appeared, thinly disguised as a guide to enforcers.

  This time, however, it is the Hongkong Government's Monetary Authority which, in Friday's Government Gazette, is giving hints in the shape of guidelines on money-laundering.

  Did you know that there are three stages in laundering cash: placement, layering and integration? You do now.

  It gives a great list of ''the most basic ways in which money may be laundered'' and a flow-chart if you find it a bit complicated.

  There is a mistake which must be pointed out to the Monetary Authority: one of the suspicious signs is ''buying and selling of a security with no discernible purpose or in circumstances which appear unusual''.

  This is not a sign of money laundering, but a sign that someone is paying too much attention to some of the famous investment advisers who write regular newspaper columns.

  Flight of fancy CATHAY Pacific was advertising for a fleet administration superintendent at the weekend, a post which would ''advance your . . . experience in the exciting aviation industry''.

  They weren't kidding. One of the fringe benefits offered was ''conceptional air travel''.

  Lack of foresight  YOU remember the Conrad Hotel's Excellence in Travel and Tourism award presentation scheduled for today that was cancelled ''due to unforeseen circumstances''?   They have reinstated it ''due to unforeseen circumstances''.



Drink your sins and sink your sorrows