Jocks and a war of woks

WATCHING two of his men grasping their chopsticks with almost the same dexterity as a pair of toddlers confronted with a spoon for the first time, Black Watch Major Ian Nisbet said: ''EDI - that's the way we teach them in the army. ''Explain. Demonstrate. Imitate,'' he continued with a laugh, as if the operation of a tank, machine gun and chopsticks could be mastered using the same learning by rote method. Privates Martin Currie and William Peebles smiled wanly, swallowed hard, gripped the silver-topped chopsticks even more firmly, and eyed their plate of dim sum warily - as if waiting for orders to bayonet it. With a wobble of the chopsticks the shrimp, scallop and shark's fin dumplings were raised to their mouths, after a rudimentary lesson from the Hong Kong Hilton's food and beverage manager Tim Soper in how to eat with chopsticks. Currie, 21, a member of the regiment for three years and 18-year-old Peebles, who had only joined the colours five months ago, were not the usual diners one would expect to be tucking into the lunchtime fare at the Hilton's Eagle's Nest Chinese restaurant. Earning less than $400 a day as privates, it was unlikely they would want to blow it on an eight-course meal with wine at one of Hong Kong's best-known hotels - especially since their pay is docked to meet their meal costs. Judging by the comments made by fellow members of the Black Watch earlier this month in Stanley, one of whom described Cantonese food as ''yuck'' and another who could not wait to return to his home in Fife to sample some ''edible'' Chinese food - local delicacies were the last thing a self-respecting Scotsman would wish to find on his plate. Hilton general manager James Smith, a dyed-in-the-wool Scot, agreed to treat Nisbet, Currie, Peebles and Stanley Fort master chef Warrant Officer Second Class John Mackin, to lunch to prove there was more to Chinese food than chow mein and curry and chips, two of the biggest sellers in Scottish Chinese take-aways. Nisbet said: ''There is a joke we tell at home - what is the odd number out - eight, 12, 15 or 16. It's 15 - the rest come with rice. A lot of people in Scotland order from the menu by numbers - they don't even know what the food is.'' ''You've not had the good stuff, that's the problem,'' Smith growled at the privates after hearing how their experience of Chinese food in Hong Kong was limited to a Wan Chai restaurant and a bowl of rice and meat in a Stanley ''stinkie'' - regimental slang for a dai pai dong. In between mouthfuls of sauteed lobster and prawns, Currie said he would probably have tucked into a plate of sausage, chips and beans if he had stayed in the fort for lunch. Or a Jock Pie - a dish of minced meat with a pastry topping baked with a prominent lip to stop a dollop of baked beans from slopping on to the plate. Mackin, who hails from Liverpool but has been posted to the Black Watch from the Army Catering Corps, looked approvingly as the soup course arrived - shark's fin served in a hollowed-out papaya, although Currie and Peebles viewed its arrival with the sort of silent apprehension a patient might reserve for a large hypodermic syringe. ''It is all in the presentation,'' Mackin said, as the waiter removed the top of the fruit to reveal the soup inside. ''We get GBP1.50 [$17.40] a head a day to feed the men three meals,'' he said, before taking a spoonful of a dish that would cost enough to keep a soldier fed for more than a week. Currie sipped the broth and chewed the strands of shark's fin with gusto: ''It's not what I expected it would be - I thought it would have a fishy taste.'' Nisbet, who described himself as a ''Chinese food fanatic, although I would draw the line at snake and chicken's feet'', and wok owner Mackin were totally at ease by now, and the other two no longer looked as if they were sitting in a dentist's waiting room. They liberally spooned the Hilton's XO sauce over their chilli beef in a taro basket and downed a fat black mushroom served with the steamed vegetables, although they left the baak choi on their plates. Another bottle of the mainland-produced Dynasty wine was uncorked as lunch moved into the third hour and everyone had relaxed, with Mackin joking he expected Currie to make a sizeable contribution to the next monthly mess meeting. Peebles confessed he was not used to eating Chinese food unless it came in a tin-foil container, while Mackin was deep in conversation with Soper about the difficulty of getting decent Port Salut cheese in Hong Kong. Chopsticks were still clacking like knitting needles in the hands of Currie and Peebles and they admitted they would have enjoyed the meal more if they had been using a knife and fork; both seemed pleased when they were told the Peking duck in rice flourpancakes should be eaten with their hands. Could Mackin imagine the messes at Stanley Fort being issued with chopsticks? ''No way - the Jocks would not know what to do with them - they would not have a clue,'' he said. ''They would not get a good feed.'' Peebles concurred, revealing the life expectancy of a plate of food was five minutes in the enlisted men's mess. Getting fed speedily and with minimal fuss was what mattered. If Eagles' Nest chef Simon Ho had been looking for plaudits at this stage he might have instead left the table, unless he was fluent in the Black Watch's argot. ''If something is 'rotten' it means it's OK or even great - if they say it's 'smart' it means it was awful,'' Nisbet, who also acts as the unit public relations officer, said. ''It is just the way we talk in the regiment.'' As the Chinese-style petits fours were being passed around, Soper asked the guests if they had enjoyed the Chinese food enough to venture into the food stalls around Causeway Bay for noodles and congee. ''I'd rather come here again for it,'' Currie retorted smoothly, admiring the view of Victoria Harbour. ''It's OK, I have never had food like this,'' he said, intently eyeing the waiter as he poured boiling water into a cup of dried leaves and chrysanthemum flowers that reminded him of what his mum's flowers looked like when she was ready to throw them out. ''I guess I usually go for the type of things I know.'' Both privates are due for home leave in Fife soon, although they smiled politely when asked if they would ask their local Chinese take-away to put shark's fin soup in papaya on the carry-out menu. But the wind of change appears to be blowing through Sino-Caledonian culinary relations. As he left the table Mackin forecast some major changes in the Stanley Fort menus. ''The lads are in for a shock,'' he said with a grin, clutching a box of petits fours.