How to keep your New Year's resolution and ward off the feelings of guilt

With the theme of renewal in the air and the season of gluttony filling stomachs, many of us are ripe for a bit of recriminatory self-flagellation. And what better way to punish ourselves than the New Year's resolution, almost certain as it is to fail? It is just the ticket to deliver a good dose of guilt and feelings of inadequacy around mid-January, when most of us break them.

If you want to be different this year, there are ways, say those who study resolve and change. First, most people are not really interested in any actual change, they say. The whole thing is just a bit of fun - a way of pointing out to friends and family that you are perfectly aware that you should get fit, save more or change jobs. In other words, it is a sort of annual confessional. Friends and family all know that if you really wanted to make those changes, you would not need to wait for December 31.

So, rule No 1 is: be committed. Most resolutions are far too vague. Psychologists see vagueness as one of the most obvious ploys to setting things up so that you can later let yourself off the hook - while beating yourself up about it. Resolutions like 'be more organised', 'eat better' or 'spend more time with the children' are only wishes. They need to be formulated into action plans.

Hence, rule No 2: be realistic. You need to choose something that is possible and measurable but at the same time pliable. Work out how you could begin spending time with your children and have a choice of times in the day, week and month. Think flexibly about what exactly could be changed. But also consider what can sometimes be changed and what can almost never be changed, and what is totally set in stone. In other words, be flexibly explicit - do not pledge to spend every Wednesday from 6-7pm with Johnny.

Rule No 3: be ruthlessly honest with yourself. This begins with assessment. How much time do you spend with your children at the moment? How much time would you like to spend with them and how much time would be acceptable if you cannot reach the ideal? Which times are more significant than others? Decide if you think, for example, that 30 minutes at bedtime is equal to an hour in the park.

Then we come to rule No 4: see the light and be prepared to feel the heat. At this stage you have to figure out if the resolution is a valid one. You may want to spend more time with your children, but know in your heart you are making excuses for why you really cannot. Or maybe you are afraid of what those changes would bring in other spheres of your life, like work. If you sense that those excuses or fears will undermine your commitment, then you are not ready to move from 'wanting to want' to 'wanting the end'.

In this case, it is better to focus on what is behind the excuses and fears. Either accept that you have too much at stake to make the necessary changes to getting fit, changing your job, or whatever, at this time. Or design a resolution around those areas that are in the way of commitment to that goal.