''HI. My name is Bob and I'm a computer junkie.'' (A chorus of greetings echoes through the room.) It all started with AA and spun off into Gambler's Anonymous and Over-Eater's Anonymous. Maybe the time has come for Computer Junkies' Anonymous. I knew I needed it several months ago when I found myself drooling like a rabid pit-bull terrier who has just seen a bare leg, this at the sight of a 486-66 DX2 with the newest and fanciest feature of them all at the time - a local bus. I run Windows only maybe once a week and then it is usually to play that cool solitaire game (well, I think it's cool) or just to watch After Dark's toasters fly by. But I just could not stop dreaming about how much faster it would run with a local bus. It was only a year ago that I sat and stared at my new 486-25 and said to myself: ''Finally a computer so powerful that I won't need a new one for years. I'll be able to have 50 toasters fly by in 24-bit colour at any resolution I want.'' Yesterday, I found myself thinking about calling up the friendly Jersey-City-Middle-East-get-the-deposit-back-on-the-van terrorist group to find out which building would be hit next so I could leave my PC there. My insurance ought to cover it and with the money I collect I can buy my local bus dream machine. The problem is even bigger: it is multiplying with frightening proportions on the software end of things. I have a friend, Joe, who owns a Mac Centris 650 and used to own a Mac LC and before that a Mac SE and before that a Mac 512KE. Once he used Pyro as his screen saver and it was great. Not only could you configure various options such as how many minutes it took for the saver to kick in, but it also had really cool fireworks graphics. But, it only had one module at the start. When After Dark came along, it was too much to resist. He called me on the phone jabbering like an auctioneer gone wild. The next thing I knew, Joe had the toasters and fish floating across his screen. Now he has spent more to buy add-on modules, as if the original plethora of options were not enough. Next thing you know he'll be buying Star Trek The Screen Saver. ''One screen saver isn't enough. You really need two so that you can always choose the best for each situation you encounter,'' he said. This is abnormal. Is this rational behaviour for a mature adult? Going to extremes to get more power and more features only produces a desire for even more. What I'm afraid of is that if this cycle gets out of hand I'll find myself selling my house, my car and my, as yet, unborn children to get the newest upgrade to my hardware. Meanwhile, Joe will own seven different screen savers, one for each day of the week. That's why it is time to form Computer Junkies' Anonymous. We could meet every week at the local high school in the room next to Cross Dressers Without Fashion Sense Anonymous and listen to each other admit we have a problem and support each other in ourquest to stick with the computers we own. I'd even bring in my PC magazines and rip out the advertisements as a sort of ceremonial exorcism. If enough of us did it we could even have a bonfire and dance around it as a ritual purging of sorts. And all would go well. We could go to meetings every week and struggle through the next, avoiding talk with our colleagues: ''Hey, have you read about the latest hard drive three-quarter inch? Fits in the palm of your hand.'' We would detour to avoid passing the local ComputerLand with the latest Mac flashing the QuickTime demo at us from the window. All would go well, that is, until a new member came to the meeting. ''Hi. I'm George and I'm a Computer Junkie and I just spent my life savings to buy a Pentium.'' Then we could all ask which store carries the new machines and try to get a group discount.