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SCMP Reporter

Weighty, high-brow conversation. Meaty issues. Serious debate.

This is the kind of behaviour you would expect at the Foreign Correspondents' Club (FCC).

Finger-pointing. Tie-grabbing. Nasty names. Profanity. Sabre-rattling.

This is the kind of behaviour you would expect in a sand pit.

We wrote a few weeks ago about an on-going spat which seems to have distracted some members of the FCC from the much more pressing task of getting drunk.

Sacrilege.

In a nutshell, one member got a bit carried away, threw a few insults, decided to resign, then changed his mind, but was too late. Other members then protested when he tried to re-join.

A 'camp' of followers was born. And a rival 'camp' was also born.

And one evening the two camps got all carried away, pushed and shoved a bit, called each other names and were terribly upset by the whole thing.

Sadly, it seems that the incident sparked a police report and a board meeting. We say this courtesy of a bunch of statements that anonymously landed on our desk.

Incident reports, no less. For that fateful night of December 20, 2002.

Sixteen pages, and as far as we can tell, not a punch was thrown. Yelling, yes. Grabbing of a tie, yes. 'Looking aggressive'.

And spitting. Gross. The protagonist narrowly missed a mulled wine glass.

On Wednesday, the FCC board met to deal with this momentous spat.

We called president Thomas Crampton to get the verdict.

The board has resolved to send a letter to all parties concerned in this 'vigorous finger-pointing' rather than take action.

As far as the board is concerned, the matter is closed.

Presumably if the parties involved wish to take things any further, they can get their mummies to call up and complain.

A LAUGHING MATTER

Are you MAD?

Or just STRESSED and really, REALLY PISSED OFF?

Join the club.

An anger management club, that is.

Otherwise known as a 'laughter training workshop.'

This isn't just any old laughter training workshop. It is being conducted by the founder of the Yogic Laughter Movement.

Ho ho.

No, seriously. Dr Madan Kataria will be in Hong Kong this weekend to conduct a training seminar.

You too can learn laughter techniques without the jokes and alcohol. And reduce stress, anxiety, depression and even allergies and ulcers.

However, you could probably do all of those if you simply gave up alcohol.

In any case, the idea is to become the picture of confidence, wisdom, calmness and patience.

We might just stick to the alcohol.

Especially when you consider the price of the workshop: HK$980.

We kid you not.

MISSIVE ATTACK

A saucer of milk goes to an employee of Zantex Computers for his refreshingly blunt resignation letter, currently doing the e-mail rounds.

He refers to his charming boss: 'I have very few basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct supervisors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

'Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

'In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

'Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation.'

He does have a few 'parting thoughts', however.

The boss once borrowed a digital camera. He took photos of himself nude.

'Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authorisation of a glowing letter of recommendation.'

The boss apparently resigned shortly after reading this letter.

We can't imagine why.



Grabbing and spit at spat, but no punches