Yes, we have no bench of bananas
INDONESIANS can now learn to speak fluent, conversational English. This is thanks to a new book called English Conversations, published by Bintang Pelajar.
One of our colleagues has just returned from Indonesia with a copy.
It features super-realistic dialogues so that you can blend in with native English speakers completely unnoticed. No one will know you are not English.
At the Beach: We can dry our bodies under sunburn in the beach.
Socialising: Is your girlfriend beautiful? No, she is rather ugly.
Travelling by Sea: I have sea sick. I have to drink medicine.
Let's go to the dining room.
Let's go to the bar.
At the Fruit Shop: Hello fruiterer! Have you some nice fruits here? How much for a bench of bananas? Five hundreds rupiahs.
The price is okay. Give me two benches, please.
Thank you. I hope you don't bore to come here again.
At the Shops: Good morning.
Have you Belly shoes? What number do you want? Hiring a Guide: Would you escort me some interest places in this city.
With all my heart, sir.
At the Zoo: Come on we walk this way.
What a funny that monkey is! It also includes a useful list of sentences often used by English speakers, including: Why did you kill him? He has kidnapped that girl.
Why do you escape from jail? Don't know about you, but we have such conversations daily.
Memory lapse READER Prasad Patio was most impressed by the $7,498 holiday in the Maldives offered by Memory Resort Holidays of Hong Kong.
Price includes ''six days/ four nights'', says the ad.
Hmm. So what happens between the fifth evening and the sixth morning? Do they force people to keep all the lights on? Stuck for cash PEOPLE working in offices 20 to 25 storeys high in Central Plaza (that is, in the unfashionable low floors) have been staggering around with rather wild, glassy looks lately.
One of the offices on the 20th floor of the building is being refurbished, and for the past three weeks has been giving off incredibly powerful glue fumes.
''The building is like a glue-sniffing device,'' said tenant Mike Hayman.
Tenants have complained that their staff are feeling funny, but the building management has not solved the problem.
The fumes are now making their way up the building towards the offices of the Provisional Airport Authority, over-lords of Chek Lap Kok airport.
If they suddenly announce that they have cancelled the airport and are going to spend the money on Evo-Stik, you'll know they got hooked.
Tissue of lies COMING soon to Hong Kong: journalism on which you can blow your nose.
No! Stop! Wait! You can't do it on THIS. Not yet anyway.
Plans are afoot to print articles about music, sports and cars on tissue paper, according to yesterday's Oriental Daily.
The manufacturers claim to have found a way to make sure the articles don't come off on a nose-blower's face or anywhere else.
And if you don't agree with the writer, you have the satisfaction of being able to express your opinion forcefully on his pristine prose.
Technical factor ON Bloomberg financial screens yesterday, Hong Kong analyst Steven Thompson of Nikko Securities revealed his cunning plan to forecast share market movements.
''Whenever the South China Morning Post reports on page one that the Hang Seng Index has broken through a barrier, you know it's time to sell,'' he said, referring to the headline on the front page of his copy.
Actually, that was a spoof copy we printed up specially for you, Steven.
Wind of change FAX received yesterday from Bob Palitz, engineering director of Metro Broadcast: ''What if the Hospital Authority has to follow the Government's localisation policy? Will they perform all operations using only local anaesthesia? ''I don't think localisation is the biggest personnel problem facing the Government today. What if the folk at the Royal Observatory who devised the 1, 3, 8, 10 typhoon signal system are transferred to the finance branch?'' Eve of conflict AT last there is an honourable way to end the unseemly war between Chris Devonshire-Ellis and Toby Trustram Eve. The former has challenged the latter to a duel. The sport: skydiving. The date: any time before September 30. The winner: whoever gets the mostsponsorship. Lai See will send any cash raised to a home for disabled children.
In case these two decide to nobble each other's parachutes, we hereby declare that any money pledged is collectable posthumously should the need arise.
Fruit of my loins A READER from Cheung Chau suggests that the anti-durian ethos on Singapore transport may explain why the population is sinking in Singapore.
''Durians are a known aphrodisiac. There is a Malaysian saying: 'When the durian falls, the sarong rises','' he said.