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THE STORY SO FAR

Sars might be lingering in the real world, but in Celebrity Land it's a distant memory. Most of the masks have come off, the kissing count is up and, better still, the advertisers are back and so are their promises of sex, money and a perfect body.

MEN SUCK

Skinny 36-D actress Cecilia Cheung Pak-chi, ever the media lightning rod, sets this week's theme in an interview with Oriental Sunday (above, centre): 'Men suck,' she rants. 'They will always defy women. You might not see them do it, but trust me - men are bastards. Their bodies run with the blood of wild animals.'

She should know. Last year she had bad boy star Nicholas Tse Ting-fung's initials, intertwined with hers, tattooed on her leg. This week Oriental Daily reports her former lover is parading diva Faye Wong around Yunnan.

GIVE UP ON USELESS MEN

Flat-chested 'Queen of Pop', Sammi Cheng Sau-man, might agree with Cheung. Oriental Sunday's cover declares her long-time flame, pop singer Andy Hui Chi-on, is 'In Love With a New Flat-chested Girl' they identify as rising starlet Tang Sui-yen. 'She has the same body shape as Sammi, but she is much younger,' points out the mag, which incidentally has advertisements for breast augmentation in its back pages.

Three Weekly gives us the full story. Cheng has 'decided to give up on useless men' and commit herself to God. The 30-year-old singer/actress has been visiting a Christian church in Cheung Sha Wan. It reproduces a church document saying Cheng has 'given witness', confessed her sins and committed herself to the Lord. This is bad news for her company, Capitol Records. The magazine reports the star has stopped recording, passed up mainland advertising opportunities, 'stays at home and mopes all day'.

SEX AND THE CITY

Who can reproach Cheung and Cheng for their views on men? Anyone reading this week's crop of tabloids could be forgiven for thinking all men suck. This might be because the paparazzi is done with snapping incorrectly worn masks and is back to doing what it does best. Next Magazine snaps comedy genius Stephen Chiau Sing-chi flirting with an 18-year-old Malaysian actress. Express Weekly photographs Edison Chen Koon-hei (right) failing in attempts to pick up girls at Repulse Bay beach. Easyfinder magazine has a long story about hardcore sex movies starring fake Joey Yung Cho-yee lookalikes (its tone is moralistic, its illustrations exhaustive).

Three Weekly (above, left) also runs a bunch of grainy shots showing Sherman Lee, the financier boyfriend of TVB fortune-teller Tse Yuen-yuen, meeting a 'mysterious pretty girl'. An occurrence, the magazine says, 'she probably never predicted'. Truly the blood of wild animals fills the veins of city men. If Apple Daily's report is true and Hacken Lee has been signed to make a local film based on a popular US television drama, then Sex And The City Of Hong Kong could be a very long movie.

BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO FAT

So what's a girl to do? In a sure sign that Hong Kong is getting over Sars, the tabloids have dispensed with their recent sanitation obsession and are back to selling insecurity.

'You won't have any good fortune when your figure is like a pig's,' Next magazine (above, right) tells its readers in a particularly cruel feature about 36-D actress Tiffany Lee Lung-yi. 'She used to be so lovely and slim, now she has a 32-inch bucket waist,' continues the housewives' favourite tabloid. 'Tiffany knows her weight problem will destroy her career; that's why she is seeking help from . . . ' Needless to say, the diet firm that will save her is a regular advertiser.

Easyfinder Magazine primes the advertising pump even more vigorously. Singer Joey Yung is described as having 'flabby arms' and a 'dragon butt'. And Gillian Chung Yan-tung, one half of pop-duo Twins, apparently can't wear trousers because 'elephant legs are her new trademark'.

According to the magazine, Joey has been pleading with her management company.'My life will fall apart if I get more porky,' she is reported as saying. Thankfully, not surprisingly, help is at hand. Three slimming companies have just signed a deal with Emperor Entertainment Group (EEG), the management company for both artists. 'They are very sincere companies,' says EEG's pop puppeteer Mani Fok Man-hei. 'The girls will not have to wear bikinis in the advertisements and the pay is very good.' So good, in fact, Easyfinder estimates both artists will earn $250,000 for every pound they lose. This is far more than what the artists make on records.

And so, as the Sars panic dissipates, the tabloids - and Hong Kong popular culture in general - seems to be returning to default setting. Instead of terrified celebrities and ads for roach motels, we have chubby celebrities and ads for the perfect body, stories about girls who let themselves go to seed, get too old, or continue with the same woefully inadequate bra size. Real-world concerns are fading fast. Fantasy Island is getting back to normal.



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