WE have some bad news for people who make their living looking after retirement funds. You're outlaws. Fugitives. Almost all of you are now working on the wrong side of the law. But don't go into hiding just yet. An amnesty operation has been launched. We heard the amazing tale of an embarrassing technical botch-up last night. In July, the Government passed a law called the Insurance Companies (Amendment) Ordinance 1993. However, a bit was sliced out at Legco's committee stage which changed its meaning. Lawyers and other professionals have now realised that the version that was officially passed means the only people who can legally administer retirement funds are people in the insurance business. This is not much fun for all the other pension fund managers. ''With a stroke of a pen, they brought to an end all retirement scheme administration contracts operating in Hong Kong,'' a lawyer told us last night. Boffins at the Law Society have been trying to work out what to do. They have written to the Government with amendments which stop Hong Kong's financiers being outlaws, technically on the run from the police. This is despite the fact that many people believe that is exactly where most of them should be. PG Tips WHAT on earth are Michael Jackson's advisers doing? At the moment, their charge stands accused of doing perverted things with small boys, and they are trying to show the world that he is actually a really sensible, normal, regular kinda guy. So what do they let him do? They let him take six live orang-utans into his Singapore hotel room. Is this normal room-service for American travellers? ''This is room 502. Send up a burger, some french fries, oh, yes, and six giant primates, please, and hold the ketchup.'' This is the man Elizabeth Taylor said was ''the least weird'' person she knew. She must know some pretty weird people. Reader John Richards of Strand Lighting Asia Ltd sent us a fax posing an interesting question: ''Do Michael's chimpanzees know about this?'' Door knockers RICHARD Pontzious of the Asian Youth Orchestra was at the IT restaurant in Wan Chai last night. He noticed that the restaurant's name is emblazoned beautifully on both doors. ''I suppose that's what you call 'a nice pair of Its','' he said. But when you go inside, you can still see them, albeit backwards, because the doors are glass. ''From that angle, they become a nice pair of something else,'' he said. Male order CROSS-CULTURAL love may get a leg up in Hong Kong thanks to Triton Telecom, a telephone services company. There are several successful Cantonese romance-making operations based on inter-active voice-mail telephone systems, but few have cracked the English market. Launched yesterday was Date Line HK, an English-language system with a secret weapon up its sleeve: Filipinas. Details in Tagalog and English will be handed out in Statue Square on Sundays. Females of all races can call up the service, free of charge. It's a clever strategy: girls can use the service at no charge. The presence of large numbers of young women on the lines will inspire males to ring in, who will be charged at the usual telephone pay-service rates of $6 a minute. We are reminded of the words of American writer Joey Adams: ''The most popular labour-saving device today is still a husband with money.'' Mel juice GREGOR Hodgson of the New Territories found a miracle product made in Jiangsu, China. It is a ''scientific'' wonder drink called Hong Fu Si. The label says: ''The Nectar is rich in nutrition, able to dispel the effects of alcohol, whet the appetite, reduce weight, bring down high blood pressure, nourish the brain. Drinking it regularly promotes metabolism and has the effect of making you lookbetter.'' Sounds fantastic doesn't it? Until you read the ingredients: ''Apples, sugar.'' When most people put apples, sugar and water in a can, it would be called Apple Juice. But when mainland businesses do it, it is a miracle drink that cures everything known ailment and make you look like Mel Gibson. Learning curves DEFINITION of a Hong Kong secretary: ''A pretty young woman who you pay to learn spelling while she looks for a husband.''