You're right, mate. I'm not qualified to write about soccer, so relax. I won't try to debate whether Paolo Maldini has redefined the outside back position. And Pele or Maradona? Some say George Best was actually the best. I say next question. So what about Arsenal's Ashley Cole? Ah, now we're talking. Could we buy Mr Cole a pair of skates? Then give him a hockey stick, some gloves, a helmet and a one-way ticket to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, as well. Throw him out on to the ice during a Junior A hockey game and tell him: 'Alright Ashley, punk it up now. Dive when nobody is around you and hit a guy from behind. See how long you last. Your teeth? You can pick those up in the third row.' Of course, if Saskatchewan is too cold for dearest Ashley then ship him off to the hallowed Melbourne Cricket Ground and drop his rear-end into the middle of the AFL Grand Final. Doesn't matter if he plays for the three-time champion Brisbane Lions or the vanquished Collingwood Magpies. Just dress him up in one of those ridiculously snug outfits that the Aussie Rules boys paint on and tell him to try the same garbage he litters England's soccer pitches with. Stand back when one of the Lions or Magpies punishes him with a chest high tackle instead of chasing the ball. I believe it's a particularly lethal blow referred to Down Under as 'shirt-fronting'. Well fair dinkum to that, mate. Just scrape him up like a dog's breakfast and ship his remains back to Arsenal's home pitch at Highbury. Yes, we're talking about frontier justice for Ashley. But anything less would be uncivilised for the premier punk of the Premiership. Cole has come to embody perhaps the most undisciplined and classless team in any professional sport: the Gunners. So go ahead you legion of Gunners fans out there, spit out your Boddington's as you bark: 'Ah what the hell does a Yank know about English football, anyhow?' Not a whole lot. And, frankly, us Canadians may know even less. But I know punk when I see it and punk is your team. Last Sunday's mega-clash between Arsenal and Manchester United was a particularly disgusting display. Cole was at his slimiest, pushing guys from behind, diving and then berating the officials when they missed it. And, get this, Cole plays for England's national team. What a wonderful ambassador for the beautiful game. For those of you who missed the match, and the only way that could happen is if you don't have electricity because ESPN re-played it about eight times this past week, the Gunners were upset with United star striker Ruud van Nistelrooy. They felt Ruud made a meal of a lashing leg-kick from Arsenal captain Patrick Vieira that missed the Dutchman by a foot or two but resulted in Vieira getting thrown out. So when the game ended in a draw after Ruud missed a late penalty kick, Arsenal's Martin Keown, Ray Parlour, keeper Jens Lehmann, Cameroon national Lauren and, of course, Cole physically assaulted, jeered, cajoled and harangued Van Nistelrooy, all of it from behind of course. To his credit, the Dutchman ran straight off the pitch and not because he's afraid of a mosquito like Cole. He did it because he knew any sort of retaliation would result in one of the top players in the league getting suspended. As it is, all six Gunners and two token United players face severe penalties. Now I ask you Arsenal fans, is this the same club that gave us such stalwarts as Charlie George, Cliff Bastin, Joe Mercer and good old Georgie Graham? Yes? No? Maybe? I haven't a clue because I wouldn't know those guys if I fell over them. But I did spend a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon at Highbury last year watching classy performers like Dennis Bergkamp and Thierry Henry wearing Arsenal red. Yet Arsenal now has forced me to root for United and rooting for Manchester United is like rooting for IBM. They have even more financial resources than that other corporate giant playing baseball in Yankee Stadium does. If they want something they buy it. Being an impoverished hack, I tend to fancy the underdog and loathe the overdog. And even though United spend their money wisely and, by and large, play with a modicum of class evidenced by the fact that they were top of the fair play league last year with the least number of red and yellow cards, I still feel compelled to root against their success. But this current crew at Arsenal makes that impossible when they play United because they are easily the least likeable team in professional sports and nobody embodies this more than Cole. Arsenal's French manager Arsene Wenger, a human persecution complex, blames it all on the media, not his players. 'You try to understand why and how it all went,' he said. 'But none of my players killed anybody.' No, the only thing that died was decency. But even us soccer neophytes know that decency never had a chance on any team featuring Ashley Cole and crew.