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SCMP Reporter

JUST out in Hong Kong is a revolutionary new English-Cantonese phrase-book which takes a whole new approach to Cantonese tones.

  It ignores them.

  The tones are quietly abandoned and never mentioned in English Cantonese ($20), by Alfredo Figueroa of Mei Foo.

  Thus, Sunday is Sing kay yat. Monday is also Sing kay yat.

  Doing this, of course, means the speaker runs the risk of speaking in Mo lau tau, or Cantonese crazy slang, since each ''word'' has up to nine meanings, depending on the tone.

  For example, if you are dining with triads in a restaurant and fancy a cigar, be careful how you ask for a light. Depending on which tones you use, Da fei gay means ''Cigarette lighter'' or ''Beat up the waiter''.

  A slip of the tongue and things could get nasty.

  The book is cheap, and we appreciate Mr Figueroa's hard work on it.

  But when we've tried using the phrases as written in front of Cantonese speakers, it has inspired bafflement and laughter.

  The most familiar words are spelled in rather odd ways.

  Who would guess that cow yoot is the word for September (actually pronounced gau yuet) ?   Or that pinto is the word for where (been do) ?   Hmm koi is given for thank you (mm-goi) and Ko toe is how it spells the word for over there (gor-doe).

  We are not sure if readers are helped or hindered by the frankly baffling ''helpful guide to pronunciation'' which appears at the start of the book.

  Cheung as in Chew. (Actually the name Cheung is pronounced Jeung.)   Hmm as in Zoom.

  Ngo as in Tongue. (?)   Piu as in Chew (?).

  Tsui as in Ketchup. (!)   Yi as in Hit.

  Tsui as in Ketchup? You mean we should have been calling the famous industrialist T.T. Ketchup all this time?    Peter out PETER Jones of Academy One Films, Shau Kei Wan, was having trouble with his phone. It wasn't ringing, so he called Hongkong Telecom.

  Being a whiz-bang efficient sort of company, staff immediately pledged to send specialists to his premises within 24 hours.

  Thirty-two hours later, no one had appeared, so Mr Jones called Hongkong Telecom's servicing department once again.

  ''Where are you?'' he asked.

  ''Oh yes, Mr Jones, is it?'' said a bright young voice. ''We've been trying to phone you all day.''   Speaking terms THERE have been all sorts of odd-titled agreements in the business community in Asia recently, particularly in the shipping industry.

  The three big recent ones were:   1. The Hong Kong-Japan Talking Agreement.

  2. The Hong Kong-Singapore Working Agreement.

  3. The Intra-Asia Discussion Agreement.

  So what will they call the negotiations over Hong Kong's airport and seaport?   The Beijing Shouting Match?    Body heat IN Dante's Inferno, which we know all readers of this column have read, Hell is a place where tender human flesh comes into contact with burning red hot coals.

  The same thing will shortly happen in Hong Kong - except the tender bits of human flesh will have paid money for the experience.

  There is room for 49 Hong Kong people on the Fire Walk Discovery weekend on October 8, run by a company called Interactive Hongkong Ltd, of Des Voeux Road, as a sort of mental discipline training course.

  These events are quite common in California, where business people claim to find them worthwhile and useful.

  Just think. The next time you are strolling through some Hong Kong Land offices to make some mega-deal of a lifetime, and you come across a corridor full of burning red-hot coals, you just pull off your Rockports and take it in your stride.

   Significant other  DID you notice the little coupon that Thai Airways has added to its advertisements?   It asks you whether you are:   Mr/Mrs/Ms/Other.

  Who was the ''other'' added for? Was it for that recent Bangkok visitor Michael Jackson?   Maid of money SOMEONE recently published a book in American called The Dumbest Things Ever Said.

  Surely we could fill several books with the same thing for Hong Kong? A couple of obvious recent entries:   1. A Hong Kong magistrate told an allegedly suicidal man recently: ''If you commit suicide, you'll forfeit your bail money.''   2. When the maids asked for a pay rise to meet inflation, Betty Yung of Hong Kong Employers of Overseas Domestic Helpers said: ''The domestic helpers are immune from rising costs in housing, food, fuel and light.''   We can just imagine a member of this organisation accidentally bumping into her maid at a noodle shop, and saying: 'What? You mean you eat, just like we humans do?'   Slur on Beijing HAVE you noticed how newscasters often pronounce ''Beijing'' incorrectly?   They say: ''Beissshhing'' using the sibilant sound in the middle of ''treasure''.

  In Putonghua (and modern popular English) it should be pronouunced Bey-jing, with a 'jing' as in Jingle.

  In China, we have only heard it pronounced Beissshhing when officials have been knocking back the maotai.



Is that yi as in hit or piu as in chew?