WE do like these competitions they have on FM Select. They are so absurd. In the latest one, you win a big prize ($1 million, and up to $5 million on the last week of the contest) if the disc jockey phones you up and, instead of saying ''hello'' or ''wei'' you say their sponsor's name: ''Maurice Lacroix Watches''. Metro boss Craig Quick told us that many people in Hong Kong found the French name tricky to say, and this would give them practice. (Hint: it isn't ''Morris Lah Croicks''. It is more like ''Moreese Lakwaar''.) We plan to reprogramme our answerphone to start: ''Moreese Lakwaar Watches is not the number you have reached . . .'' The organisers are hoping massive numbers of people in the territory will get into the habit of picking up their phone and automatically saying: ''Maurice Lacroix Watches'' in the hope of winning a million bucks. This could prove awkward. What if Daya Bay blows up and Lu Ping decides to phone the Governor on the hotline to tell him? Lu Ping: Hello? Mr Patten? Chris Patten: Maurice Lacroix Watches. Lu Ping slams down phone and says to aide: ''Damn. It's some other gweilo. Oh well, they'll find out by themselves eventually.'' Ferry tasty NOW available in Park'N Shop: a product called ''Wan Chai Ferry Peking Dumplings''. Has the marketing genius who thought up this name ever smelt, tasted or fondled the Wan Chai ferry? What will his follow-up product be? Causeway Bay Typhoon Shelter soft drinks? Ripping yarn THE social intercourse between the Hong Kong Football Club and the Royal Hong Kong Jockey Club becomes ever more intimate. Two Jockey Club telebet phones were installed in a newly created super plush bar called ''The Chairman's Bar'', we hear. This is at the Football Club premises within the Jockey Club's Happy Valley home. Some Football Clubbers, including general manager Malcolm Davis and dynamic assistant Jim Viney, are avid racing men. Others are not. They were opposed to any move to the Jockey Club in the first place, and were incensed to learn of the sudden installation of the telebet phones. The phones were ripped out, apparently in a fit of rage, we hear. Lai See is reliably informed that a confidential committee minute states that no one knows who put the phones in and no one knows who took them out. We'll give you 10 to one that this is kept neatly covered up. Just the ticket THESE new Citybuses are so slick. At 6.48 pm on Thursday, Chris Holmes of Dragages stepped on board the Number 6 at Queen's Road East in Wan Chai to find that he was being chauffeured to Stanley by an impeccably-mannered young Englishman. It really makes you blink. We are reminded of the Lily Wong cartoon where the Hong Kong characters travel to America and are transfixed by the sight of gweilo garbage disposal men. We hope Europeans driving buses can deal with street-level Cantonese. Chris said: ''One wonders what this driver's reply would be when Widow Hui of Shau Kei Wan jumps ahead of the queue and roughly demands: 'Wei! Chek Chue hoi-m-hoi?'.'' Joie de Viv BEWARE: 60 marauding gangs are going to be haring around Hong Kong in a state of frenzy tomorrow. Each will have been handed a list of difficult-to-obtain items to find in fierce competition. The game is called GnoK GnoH, and money raised will go to Friends of the Earth. We cannot reveal precisely what items will be on the list, but some are really tough, such as: Finding a flat under $10,000 in a named area; Getting an artefact of an old Chinese leader; Seeking a clue in the Trading Post classified section of tomorrow's Sunday Morning Post, and so on. The wackiest thing to collect: a photograph of team members with a young woman called Vivian, who is a shop assistant in a named arcade in the New Territories. Boy, isn't she going to get a shock when 60 teams of people arrive at the shop, clamouring to be photographed with her. Over-developed ALAN Dalgleish of First Pacific Davies has just been notified about a property industry conference in Thailand called: ''Real Estate Development During the Bust Period.'' He commented: ''I do like to keep abreast of property matters.'' No exchange HOW does a Hong Kong foreign exchange dealer mistreat his wife? He stays with her. Thai knot DANNY Moorjani of Shoppers' Paradise, Canton Road, reckons he knows why Thai Airways divides people into Mr/ Mrs/ Ms/ Other. ''Thai Airways is probably hoping to solicit the business of that other megastar, Prince,'' he said. ''Thank God airlines never introduced separate loos for men and women,'' he said. Poor Prince would be in an agony of indecision. Faxing lyrical FAX received yesterday from a reader in Mid-Levels: ''Dear Lai See, I bought a copy of your book Only in Hong Kong and found that the pages were all in the wrong order, and when I complained, I was told that the first few copies printed had this problem. Since your publishing company is called 'Incomprehensible Books' and my copy was definitely incomprehensible, I thought this was pretty funny. Bet you don't print this letter.'' You lose. P.S. See you at the SCMP Family Bookshop at Star Ferry from 12.30-2.30 pm today.