Come on, Hot Spots. We read you for exclusive tropical bungalows providing individual plunge pools from which to watch farmers work sanitised rice fields.
Enough of the denial, corporate backpackers. Admit that it's time for a real hotel. The Pen Palace is the perfect place to start for a little of Hong Kong's Canto-colonial elegance in the capital.
But it's not even a new joint. No, but it has just been rebranded. The 14-year-old Palace Hotel has become The Peninsula Palace, although it's still the Wang Fu Fan Dian to locals. It's also still around the corner from the Wangfujing shopping district and within walking distance of Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. The US$27 million renovation combines traditional Chinese architecture and design with the modern ways of east and west.
Bet they're not as accommodating with the ways of the Birkenstock. You may not even need them, my little champagne tramper. This is the kind of hotel that allows you to seal off from the world. Each room has 42-inch flat-screen televisions, a DVD player and 24-hour room service. If you must leave the room, eat in the western Jing restaurant - already named by Conde Naste Traveller as one of the 'hottest tables in the world' - or the Huang Ting Cantonese restaurant, which has a master Cantonese chef serving in a room decorated with grey brick, slate walls, aged pine and Qing dynasty antiques.
Can we shop there, too? Under the hotel is Beijing's biggest arcade of exclusive boutiques - 50 shops, including Prada, Gucci, Hermes and all the Versace your Visa can handle.
I'd rather not travel in a five-star bubble. Then look into the Peninsula's academy programmes. You can tour the hutong districts by rickshaw, visit an acrobat school, learn what to look for in Chinese antiques, make dumplings, have a tea ceremony, take martial arts classes or walk some of the less overrun sections of the Great Wall. That Lonely Planet can stay in the room.