YOU know the feeling. You desperately need a belt made from real alligator skin - and a cheesecake - but you can't leave the office because the Hang Seng index is crashing. For those connected to the Bloomberg information system, this is not a problem. This system is installed in dealing rooms across Exchange Square, and costs quite a bit - about an arm and a third of a leg. Bosses buy it because they believe it makes their dealers better informed and for other dull reasons. But this week, the screen displayed when you log on, instead of giving yawn-inducing information about Eurobonds, has been advertising a service called SHOP, which, at the tap of a key, can provide you with flowers, clothes, munchies, baskets of fruit and much more - all air-freighted to your door. The cheesecake sounds particularly good: ''Cheesecake speciality sampler: 12 delicious flavours in a single cheesecake - three pounds of all-natural cheesecake.'' Dealers are also being offered earmuffs and a small selection of women's - and men's - frillies. At last, cross-dressers in the stockbroking industry can load up on the latest fashions using their screens, without having to lie about buying a present for their spouse. Gone to earth THE MTR's Malcolm O'Neill and friend David Guyler were checking out the Manila Light Rail Transit system when they came across an intriguing door sign. Perhaps it was also used to store grass. The office of the supervisor on duty was, for some reason, designated the ''SOD OFFICE''. Lost cars EXECUTIVES thinking of extending their empire take note: Cambodia is really living up to its nickname of Scambodia. This week the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) is making an ''appeal to the Honesty, Kindness and Goodwill of the Citizens of Phnom Penh'', via paid advertisements in local newspapers. They've had six Toyota Landcruisers stolen, worth about US$30,000 each. The UNHCR is not the same as the United Nations mob, who have been accused of spending mountains of dollars and spreading venereal disease across Cambodia. They are a well-meaning bunch of idealistic aid workers. And they are too busy to take the bus. ''UNHCR wishes to appeal to all persons who have taken or 'borrowed' the vehicles to return them,'' says the ad in our copy of the Phnom Penh Post. One was taken from outside the No Problem Restaurant. Smart cars OUR friends at United Press International were this week gushing away on the topic of the car industry using military technology. One of the options is adapting ''night vision'' technology to make it cheap enough for cars. For local drivers, we suggest that daytime vision should be the first priority. Another is technology to warn drivers if they drift out of lane, a job that other drivers do for free already. But most unlikely was the idea that satellite technology could be used to give every driver a computer screen showing exactly where they were on a map. The US military's record on location-finding is not impressive. Many US senators are saying they started an operation in Somalia and they've ended up back in Vietnam. Out to lunch THE Belching Dragon is every foreigner's idea of a Chinese restaurant taken to its logical extreme. The menu includes: One Ton Soup Ten Ingredients Water Chinese Fire Drill Soup MSG with Orange Flavour Cellophane Noodles with Styrofoam Peanuts No Fun Noodles Porky Pig Cartoonese Style Shredded Documents with Peking Sauce Green Beans with Black Bean Sauce Black Beans with Green Bean Sauce Eggplant prepared under mysterious circumstances Egg Neil Young Beef and Dried Pepper Spilled on Lap Crispy Fish with Discarded Needle Flounder with Water Pistol Many of the dishes are starred. Look at the bottom of the menu to find that this means ''may not be edible''. Among the Chef's Specials are: Tiananmen Square Beef: oppressed young beef severely battered, crushed with bamboo shoots and brutally smothered as you watch from your table on a big screen. Other specials are: Sesame Street Durk Overpriced Happy Family Health Inspector's Seafood Delight The only problem is that the person who faxed it to us doesn't know if it is real or a spoof. The prices are in US dollars. Anyone been offered One Ton Soup while on holiday in the US? Home truth THIS week's issue of Insight, the Australian Government's magazine on foreign affairs and trade, contains an article saying a move to a republic would be a ''windfall for exporters''. Bill Ferris, the chairman of trade promotions body Austrade, is the man promoting this view, saying it would provide an opportunity to tell the world that Australia ''is not a second-rate, derivative, one-dimensional society''. He lists lots of Australian achievements to prove it, but his point is weakened by the accompanying picture of the Sydney Opera House. Although ''a forceful symbol of modern Australia'', as the caption says, this landmark was designed by a Dane. Pen pusher THE SEARCC 93 computer show at the Convention Centre is not exactly packed to the aisles. The nearest thing to a crowd was gathered round a guy who had taken a stand to sell expensive pens. Yes, pens. The crowd were three deep as he gave his talk about this wonderful $200 pen. There was some bafflement about how he managed to get a stand at a computer show. Maybe he told the organisers he was selling these new pen-based computers, but had run out of the computer bit. Lethal weapon THE Hutchison mobile phone with the ''do not eat'' sticker was a tip-off to an enormous social problem no one has yet discovered. Hypercontributor Fred Fredricks bought a Panasonic cordless phone and discovered these instructions: The only question is, permanent damage to whom?