THINK of H.J. Heinz and you think of a global food conglomerate with strong brands and products on shelves worldwide. Think of Hang Seng Bank and you think of a local bank with queues at lunchtime. Well you thought wrong. Hang Seng Bank is now worth substantially more than Heinz. The rise in local share prices has meant that local companies now have market capitalisations higher than some very, very famous companies. Lai See took the Business Week Global 1,000 list, produced annually using May 31 data, and used Bloomberg to update it to last night's prices using the latest share prices of both local and foreign companies, ignoring some minor secondary listings. Hutchison Whampoa is worth more than Dun and Bradstreet and is equal to Toys ''R'' Us at US$11.1 billion. If property stocks go up two spreads tomorrow, Sun Hung Kai Properties will pass Dun and Bradstreet too. Hong Kong share pushers: if you have had problems shifting stock in tiddly little companies with strange names like Cheung Kong to US investors, your wishes have come true. The arithmetic amazed us, with our pals over at Hongkong Telecom the most spectacular. Their market capitalisation is now bigger than - gasp! - McDonald's. By a long way, in fact: $21 billion versus $18.8 billion. Telecom has also overtaken Texaco, Eastman Kodak and Nynex, the New York telephone firm. Wharf closed yesterday at $23.90. If it goes up 10 per cent it will be bigger than RJR Nabisco. And all the local companies have larger market caps than the main listings of the holding companies of Chase Manhattan and Morgan Stanley. Apart from the local market boom, the other reason for this weird event is that many famous companies are not so large. Dow Jones and CBS, for instance, have market caps that would pitch them in the middle of the Hang Seng Index. Also, some US firms have been left burdened with debt after the 1980s buyout boom on Wall Street, which left a shrunken listing of low-priced shares. Finally, some very large companies may be little-known if they have no consumer products. So don't get too excited, folks. None of these local stocks is larger than Abbott Laboratories. Who? High rollers AND what about our dear departed HSBC Holdings? Last night its market capitalisation was about $27.3 billion. The problem is that the ladder gets steeper the higher you get. We guess it is now about the 40th-largest company in the world, up from 50th on May 31. It overtook Walt Disney earlier in the year. But the real champagne should be cracked open tomorrow, Sir Willie, because in early trade in New York last night, the market capitalisation of Ford was a piffling $27.2 billion. Foul play So the Belching Dragon's menu, which included such specialities as One Ton Soup and Egg Neil Young, was a spoof. Renee Thorp of Spectradyne says it was written by Joe Raiola and Charlie Kadau, and appeared in Mad magazine. Nothing could be stranger than the real thing, though. The Dim Sum Burger Shanghainese restaurant in Causeway Bay is offering ''Strange Taste Chicken''. Doing lunch DELEGATES at the World Economic Forum: you should have packed some indigestion tablets. You're having a busy time. Not content with ordinary refreshment breaks, our copy of the agenda says you will be having ''contact breaks'' instead of coffee breaks, and ''networking lunches''. And also a ''brainstorming breakfast''. Don't spill your orange juice when inspiration hits. The guest list for yesterday's lunch was certainly impressive. It included Baroness Dunn, Peter Sutch, Larry Yung, Sir Quo-wei Lee, David S.Y. Wong, Paul Selway-Swift and many more. Unfortunately, this was in the section of the guest list entitled: ''Regretted''. One consolation. The programme states: ''Robert Ng, chairman of Sino Land, will . . . pop into our luncheon to say hello''. Motormouth AT the same conference, Hermann Franz, who was chairing the second plenary session yesterday, introduced all his speakers in a suitably distinguished fashion. Except Yvonne van Rooy, foreign trade minister of the Netherlands, who prompted him to say: ''I like the Dutch, especially when they are represented by such a charming lady.'' Incidentally, this charming lady was not issued with headsets to listen when a fellow panellist launched into French. Presumably the organisers didn't want the little dear to ruffle her charming hairdo. Another in the spotlight was Malaysian Minister of Trade and Industry Rafidah Aziz, notoriously the fastest-talking, and perhaps the fastest-thinking, public figure in Malaysia. Nicknamed ''machine gun'' for her speaking speed, she is famous for telling journalists in Kuala Lumpur: ''Get out your tape recorders. Your shorthand will never keep up.'' Far out ''ASIA'S most quoted news source'', claims the current issue of the Far Eastern Economic Review in a full page ad for itself. And to prove it they display cuttings of newspapers from around the region quoting the magazine. For instance, they are showing a big clipping from Business Post from last year. We were trying to get to the bottom of a Review exclusive that claimed Hutchison Whampoa would sell or shut its telecommunications operations by the end of 1992. Perhaps another choice would have been better. Hutchison's telecommunications operations are still open for business.