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SCMP Reporter

'Love thyself last ... Let all the ends thou aims't at be thy country's ...' - William Shakespeare, Henry VIII   What was that!? Sounded like gunfire.

Strange.

Why? I have not heard a gun for months.

Me neither.

Must be American tourists shooting each other.

As far as I can tell, you and I are the only natives left.

Eerie, isn't it? It is certainly different to the hustle and bustle of 1.2 billion people and bicycles.

Yup. A fella just cannot win. For years I hated crowds, now I've got agoraphobia. You don't happen to be a psychiatrist by any chance? I was about to ask you the same thing. Any hints on how to treat severe paranoia? Shhh ... not so loud! Anyway, how come you survived? They only shot corrupt people.

And criminals! Yeah. And criminals.

So how did you escape the chop? I hid in an empty bank vault.

So it's just you and me then? Looks that way.

Well they did say they would do away with corruption ...

True.

And the population explosion ...

Right.

To say nothing of inflation ...

I suppose so.

And human rights should not be much of a problem anymore ...

Hey! We might get the Olympics in 2004.

If you and I don't start abusing each other.

  Memorandum: From: Robin McLaren (Sir).

To: Christopher Patten (Mr).

As you will have heard, the Chinese Government really clamped down this time. We have just completed the 29th round of the Sino-British talks across the table from a team of 18 ornate rosewood chairs.

It was pretty quiet, but a lot more stimulating week than the previous 28 meetings, both in terms of flexibility shown by the other side and the quality of the air.

For the first time we are sincerely looking forward to the next round of Silent-British discussions. I am sure these encounters with the local furniture cannot be any less tedious than when pedantic Chinese bottoms sat there.

Robin.

  To: The Governor, Mr Chris Patten.

From: Douglas Hurd.

My Dear Chris, OK, smart ass, what now? I had Richard Ellis in here yesterday offering me your entire Central business district in exchange for 1,000 square feet at Canary Wharf. And they said they could throw in a five-bedroom house on The Peak. Now give it to me straight. Was China really thatimportant to Hong Kong? I mean, seriously.

Let me be frank. This silly democracy thing was your idea. You know damn well Major and I did not give a monkey's one way or the other. But oh, no, you and Clinton had to play the big shot and pressure the Commies (delete) our Chinese friends in Beijing toget their house in order, stamp out corruption and allow more elected members in Hong Kong before 1997.

Hey, Chris. Outside of China, who was the main beneficiary of corruption across the border? Hong 'bloody' Kong, that's who! You are forever quoting history to me. Well get this from your old mate Samuel Butler: 'What makes all doctrines plain and clear? - About two hundred pounds a year.

And that which was prov'd true before, Prove false again? - two hundred more.' So hear this my smooth talking blue-eyed friend. You are on your own with this one. And do not bother to come looking for a job back here. Old Major is folding up like a broken deck-chair and I will publicly deny ever supporting your pot-stirring post-colonial plans.

Douglas.

PS. For the record, I was not serious about China being a lousy choice for the 2000 Olympics. Damn people never could take a joke.

  Back in China: Well my friend, there is only the two of us now and the opportunity for a fresh start.

Excellent! Right, do you want to be the top government official or the Guangdong entrepreneur with connections in Hong Kong? Umm ... I think I'll be the entrepreneur.

OK. I would like to award you Major Earthworks Contract Number 579 on The People's (that's you and me) Three Gorges Dam Project.

Thank you.

Now, my agent's commission will be an almost-new 500 SL Merc from Hong Kong, a five-bedroom chalet in St Moritz, scholarships for my seven kids at Harvard and a couple of Russian blondes with big ... hips.



Talking to the chairs