Consider the Simpsons episode where two of Homer's atomic reactor colleagues duel with light sabres while debating the merits of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Revenge of the Sith outshines both, the critics agree. But the question is whether Star Wars as a whole is worse than the rival space opera that also inspires fanaticism, Star Trek? Hmm. Something about Star Trek makes me feel uneasy. It may just be the fact that a friend, who is no William Shatner, likes to parade in a skin tight yellow Star Ship cat suit and attend conventions where women swoon over the Romulans, or is it the Ferengi? I shudder to think. The other thing that bugs me about Star Trek is the quality of the entertainment it provokes. It is responsible for the most annoying split infinitive to infect the English language and the worst novelty pop record to tarnish the charts. In the first instance, I am referring to Captain Kirk's mission statement for the USS Enterprise - 'to boldly go where no man has gone before'. As every pedant knows, strictly speaking, Kirk should have said 'boldly to go' or 'to go boldly'. Kirk's mistake paved the way for the notorious real-life extraterrestrial goof committed by Neil Armstrong. When he set foot on the moon in 1969, the space cadet muffed his line, saying: 'That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind'. He should have said 'a man' because man and mankind mean the same thing, but doubtless did not give an asteroid's tail because of the Star Ship Enterprise captain's poor example. To be fair, AskOxford.com defends Kirk's blunder, saying that had he said 'to go boldly' or 'boldly to go', he would have ruined 'the rhythmic force' of the original. But who cares about fair? Balance has never been this column's strong suit. What's more, the three original words have led to a procession of imitations. Every wag, card and wit thinks it is hilarious to play on Kirk's utterance as in 'to boldly go where no probe has gone before', 'to boldly go where no AI system has gone before' - ha ha, blah blah, yadda yadda. I could forgive all this were it not for ... that song. You know the one. I will not even quote it since fellow sufferers who have been struggling to banish the tune from their heads since 1987 will only suffer more. You still hear its jangling strains too often at karaoke nights. No matter how forcefully a performer belts it out, the golden oldie is about as funny as the Vulcan death grip. Star Trek has a lot to answer for. But does its celestial counterpart deserve more respect? I doubt it. For one thing, Luke Skywalker is way too pretty to be an action hero. With his blond, feathery hair and skinny body, he looks like a boy band candidate. Action heroes should be bald (Bruce Willis) or colossal (Arnie/Sly). Likewise, the droids in Star Wars are just too nice. Whatever happened to technophobia? The whole point of sticking droids in a script is to inject menace. R2D2 is a poodle. C3PO swans around like a silver service waiter, addressing Han Solo as 'sir'. When C3PO does let rip, he takes it back: 'Die Jedi scum! Oh, what did I say?' he whimpers. The droids leave all the menace to Darth Vader who, let's face it, is not that scary either. He is just so obviously a tall man in a cloak and a silly helmet. Star Wars' astronomically high jerk count makes it just as execrable as its topical rival. So, perhaps we should boldly ignore both and honour a sci-fi flick with more wit in one scene than both sagas combined: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.