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SCMP Reporter

MOST young children delight in telling secrets. They begin to have real secrets - about ideas, feelings, happenings - by age six or so. Instead of finding this cute, however, many parents feel left out, even threatened.

  ''They have an awful time with this,'' said Dr Betty Smith Franklin, a psychologist.

   And why shouldn't they? A child with a secret, after all, is a child who is separating emotionally from her parents.

   Unfortunately, many parents inadvertently push their children further away by becoming intrusive.

   When you say such things as ''I want you to tell me everything'', or ''You can't have secrets from your parents'', you are instead encouraging a child to be more secretive, even forcing her to lie, according to early childhood educator Ms Carolyn Edwards.

  Dr Franklin agrees. ''Your prodding sends a message that says: 'Your internal world is not sacred or inviolable', '' she said.

   ''The more you send that message in the early years, the less likely you will be to get information in later years, when you really need it.''   Children have secrets for all sorts of reasons. Most basic among them is that it is human nature to want to keep some of your identity to yourself.

  Clinical school psychologist Robert Pianta said secrets were a way for a child to exercise control. ''It's part of the process of learning that information is a commodity,'' he said.

  Children also keep secrets to protect you. ''Eight-to 12-year-olds do a lot of things that are risky, things they know would upset you,'' said Dr Franklin.

  Children tell secrets to protect themselves. ''If you have a history of not handling things well, then they'll keep something secret so they won't get into trouble,'' Dr Franklin said.

  By school age, perhaps even slightly younger, you need to talk about the difference between a good secret and a bad one.

  Ms Edwards said a parent should tell a child: ''A good secret doesn't hurt anybody not to tell it. You and your friend might have a secret place you like to meet that I don't know about.

   ''But a bad secret is something parents should know because it involves people's safety, like kids are going to do something that is dangerous or too grown-up for them, or something that is really wrong.

  ''A bad secret is when someone makes you promise not to tell something you know is wrong, or when adults want to do something with you when you are naked. Bad secrets you should tell to adults.''   Ms Pianta would add: ''A bad secret makes you feel nervous and unsafe, and you don't know what to do about it.'' 



The most basic reason children have secrets is that it is human nature to want