MONDAY HANG Seng wobbles when a senior Politburo aide reveals paramount leader Deng Xiaoping has taken to sitting on his daughter's knee during policy meetings and whenever she drinks, he stops speaking. Index drops 300 points, but recovers when Li Peng appears on state television wearing a colourful tie. Glamour boys held at Kai Tak for concealing rhino horns in their diamante G-strings. TUESDAY MERCHANT banker James 'Jumbo' Grunt, 42, out jogging, overshoots Bowen Road, slides in pool of sweat and forces closure of popular route for six hours. Attempts to remove him fail. Sportswear makers demand their brand names are whited out. WEDNESDAY TWO deep cover anti-narcotics officers are commended after they arrest each other in Lamma's notorious Corner Bar for offering to sell one another drugs. A hippie woman and a dog named Rizla are seized. Police spokesman describes the $25 million, six-monthoperation as a 'rollicking success'. US analysts, block-booking the Grand Hyatt for the fourth week running, cast serious doubts on the value of Chinese stocks being floated on JJ's dance floor. 'These girls seriously overrate themselves,' says one, who had invested in multiple expensive cocktails and several hours of negotiations and still failed to arrange a merger. 'In the long term their attitude could do with a 50 to 70 per cent correction.' But, he said, with so many US analysts desperate to stimulate their private sector, 'right now theplace is a bull market'. THURSDAY ANTI-NARCOTICS police release hippie woman after she remembers she is, in fact, Sergeant Bob Narrow, a deep-deep undercover operative planted on Lamma in the mid-1970s. The dog is imprisoned for life. Jumbo Grunt's Nikes are removed in a controlled explosion. FRIDAY BILL Clinton arrives in Bosnia but thinks he is in Serbia. Later he says he is not disturbed by the logistical error. 'I'm not sure which is which,' he said, adding he planned to use his ignorance as a way to mediate relations between the two regions 'by avoiding name-calling'. SATURDAY A SENIOR Politburo aide reveals Mr Deng has taken to requesting alcoholic refreshment with the words: 'a gottle of geer.' Hang Seng Index plunges and Moet et Chandon makes arrangements to deliver three lorry loads of emergency charity consignments to The Peak after it is revealed impoverished upper classes are likely to go without champagne for the weekend. Police turn them back, pointing out there are more needy cases in the Hong Kong Club. Western socialite princess considers suing Hong Kong's coffee table magazines after they again fail to print any sensational pictures of her weight training, or indeed any pictures of her at all. Hong Kong's fading Western glitterati unite in criticising the act as a 'gross invasion of publicity'. Jumbo Grunt is towed away on water-wings.