We all know that communication involves talking and listening. But how often have you sat in class and heard what the teacher was saying, but not really been listening? Good listening skills are critical to success in many aspects of our life - at school, at home and in the workplace. Not only does listening help you gain information, it also helps develop and strengthen relationships. While some people are born listeners, there are some techniques that can be learned. Paying attention It doesn't take long for someone to figure out whether or not you're listening - a glazed look or a blank face is a dead giveaway that you're not. Listening is more than just letting the other person talk. You need to give them your full attention to keep communication flowing. You can show that you're paying attention by using body language. Face the speaker and maintain eye contact. Nod your head now and then to show you understand them. And use facial expressions - smile if the person's message is upbeat and look concerned if it's serious. If the other person feels you're listening, they'll open up more. Probing How often has someone you know said I'm fine in a tone that suggests they're not fine at all? Many people find it difficult to be direct, especially when they're talking about problems or feelings. When this happens, you need to probe, or dig deeper, to unearth the real meaning behind their words. Probing is asking questions to gain more information or a deeper understanding of what the person is saying. It can help the other person open up and express their thoughts more clearly. In addition to the usual open-ended questions beginning with who, what, where, when, why or how, you can also use some of the following: Can you tell me more about it? Could you give me an example please? Can you describe what happened to me? Could you explain what you mean? Paraphrasing To be a good listener, you need to understand what the other person is saying - and that's where paraphrasing comes in. Paraphrasing is restating what the person has said in your own words to check your understanding. You can usually paraphrase in one sentence, for example, 'So what you mean is' or 'In other words, you're saying that' ... Paraphrasing ensures that you walk away from a conversation knowing you've understood what the other person meant, not just thinking you've understood. Empathising Being able to recognise another person's thoughts, feelings and ideas is all part of listening. Empathising is all about putting yourself in the other person's shoes. You don't need to agree with what the other person is saying, but you do need to show that you understand how they feel. For example, if someone is upset, you could say something like 'I can see you're upset.' Empathising shows you care about what the other person is saying and feeling. How good a listener are you? Complete the conversation below using the prompts in brackets. The first one has been done for you. Sue: I feel lousy. You: What's the matter? (probe to find out more) Sue: My boyfriend has been acting weird lately. You: _______________ (probe to get an example) Sue: He always disagrees with what I say. You: _______________ (paraphrase what Sue just said) Sue: No, we're not getting along at all. I think he's seeing someone else. You: _______________ (probe to find out more) Sue: I saw him at the cinema with his ex-girlfriend. You: _______________ (empathise with Sue) Sue: Yeah. I am upset. Possible responses Can you give me an example? / What do you mean? So you're not getting along? / Do you mean you're arguing a lot? What makes you think that? / Tell me more. You must be really upset. / That's terrible.
