You are nobody until you put your name and photo on a wine label. Neil Diamond, Barbra Streisand and the Rolling Stones have all done it. Now, Madonna has announced she is launching a wine range featuring - you guessed it - pics of the Material Girl on the label. The range, labelled 'Confessions', is cannily linked to her new album, Confessions on a Dance Floor. The concept of Chateau Madge is not so far-fetched. About 10 years ago, the pop diva's father established a vineyard in the American state of Michigan and recently, Madonna supported dad's venture with a US$1.5 million gift. Madonna's wines are not produced by Mr Ciccone, however. Instead, her wine is crafted via a lucrative licensing agreement with a Hollywood-based company called Celebrity Cellars. In true showbiz fashion, owner Marty Erlichman isn't terribly concerned about what's on the inside; only one in five collectors is expected to drink the contents. Of course, there are other ways to promote your celebrity status on a bottle, such as buying a winery. The Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola bought the famed Napa Estate, formerly known as Inglenook, and promptly renamed it Niebaum-Coppola. Actors Gerard Depardieu and Raymond Burr, and motorsports legend Mario Andretti all lend their names to privately owned wine labels. If splashing out on a winery is a touch over your budget this year, just scrape the label off a bottle of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild and replace it with your own favourite likeness. Beware, though; while Marilyn Merlot has had a good run, superstar labels are no guarantee of success. Celebrity Cellars' first attempt at a star-powered bottling - in honour of iconic counterculture band Grateful Dead - was labelled Dead Red. Unfortunately, lead guitarist Jerry Garcia passed away in rehab shortly before the launch. Instead, Celebrity Cellars released a non-alcoholic wine that promptly sold 35,000 cases. Madonna is also releasing a non-alcoholic wine, labelled Un-Wine. Non-alcoholic wines are produced from ordinary wine by removing the alcohol content using distillation, molecular filtration or vacuum techniques. Don't attempt these procedures at home. Aspiring celebrities will be pleased to note that dealcoholisation also serves as a weight reduction programme by lightening the wine's caloric load, somewhat like liposuction. Non-alcoholic wine is only 150 calories a bottle, but like any ultra-thin Hollywood star, is rendered highly unstable so must undergo sterile bottling. Alongside Un-Wine, the Madonna range includes pinot grigio, cabernet sauvignon and a fruity barbera. All will be released in London this week. While self-effacing types might consider placing one's name on the bottle a gauche affectation, just remember Burgundy's producers, such as Louis Jadot, have been doing it for centuries - though not, thank goodness, alongside photos of them dressed in pointy bustiers. meiburgde@aol.com