Where is it? Located on the Bukit Peninsula of Bali, along the stretch of sand known as Tanjung Benoa, the Conrad Bali sits on its own private beach, which is regularly patrolled to ensure no 'ugly', non-Conrad people recline here.
Am I beautiful enough? Everyone's beautiful enough at the Conrad Bali. Step out of the chauffeured car from the airport into the open-form foyer and feel the transformation as stresses melt away. A welcome cocktail, generously spiked, will have you seeing Uma Thurman looking back at you from the bathroom mirror applauding your new eye cream.
Do beautiful people eat? Get thee to Spice, where the food is truly beautiful. Executive chef Gary Rosen may seem bipolar with his mood swings - from affable jokester to scowling madman - but he's a teddy bear underneath. You'll understand when you savour the divine flavours of his ethnic creations. His demeanour may be an act but his food isn't. Spice is the real thing and competes with Ubud's Mozaic Restaurant to be the best in Bali.
What if I have an ugly day? Five words - the Jiwa Spa Morning Glow. Five hours of pampering treatments in the intimate surroundings of soothing exposed wood, granite baths and private pools. Massage, facial and lunch are followed by the signature Footsteps to Bliss foot treatment and a thousand-petal flower bath.
What is there to do? Private bales line the landscaped garden on the edge of the beach, so grab a book and recline on these cushioned platforms, which have white-cotton linen draped from the ceiling and flowing in the breeze. A massage is optional, as is the morning yoga held on the big bale daily. Not big on platforms? Shimmy poolside and grab a lounger by the lagoon pool or the Hollywood-style 33-metre version, which just begs for some synchronised-swimming manoeuvres. Children are taken care of in the discreetly placed Kura Kura Club, where a full day's activities are played out. Seven acres of landscaped gardens and water features absorb the noise. When junior and princess get overexcited, send them to Jiwa for a thousand-bubble bath in chocolate fudge or mango-and-strawberry scents, followed by a back scratch and lullaby that's sure to send them to sleep.
Anything else we should know? There's a 20-metre pool in the Jiwa Spa open to hotel guests. It's private, serene and the Conrad's best-kept secret. Or it was until now.