If I'm touring, I'll wake up at 8am, go down to breakfast and, if the hotel has a gym, I'll walk on the machine for half an hour to get my heart pumping, lift a few weights, maybe have a swim and sit in the Jacuzzi.
I'll go back to my room about 11.30am and look through the daily papers to see what's happening. Normally, people just read the headlines, so they miss a lot of the little comical stories inside. If there's a story about the queen [Britain's Elizabeth II] falling over, I'll stare at that bit of paper and think of all the funny things I can about the queen. I'll write it all down, then talk into a cassette recorder and play it back to see how it sounds. It's how I've trained myself over the past 37 years.
Sometimes I carry a little keyboard around with me and I'll write ditties. I have a recording studio at home, so I spend quite a lot of time in there. Over the years, I've probably written more than 150 comedy songs.
If I get one good line a day, that means at the end of the week, I've got seven funny lines. I'm a one-liner rather than a storyteller. Comics these days have changed the whole approach to stand-up comedy. Some of these blokes can tell a joke and make it last six or seven minutes and they're not funny until they get to the punch-line. Everyone's trying to do a Dave Allen [the late Irish comedian, who had a relaxed, intimate style] show and that takes a lot of bottle. With my material, I hit you with one gag and if you don't like it, don't worry, another will be along in three seconds.
I've been known as an offensive comic since I walked on stage in 1972 and said, 'My wife's got two c***s and I'm one of them.' There wasn't another comic in the country who had the bottle to say what I was saying. [Scottish comedian] Billy Connolly saw me in 1981 at the Dominion Theatre on Tottenham Court Road, in London, and told me, 'I can't believe what you're talking about.
I'm gobsmacked.'