I'm learning Japanese. It's so that I can get more out of my holidays in Japan and ... so that I can finally understand what my dogs are trying to say.
It's not that I have some special breed of genetically enhanced dog that walks on two legs and speaks Japanese, nor do I have one of those Japanese robot dogs put out by Sony. My dogs are normal; they bark like any other. The Japanese will come in when I start to use 'Bowlingual', an invention that translates a dog's speech into human speech.
I've always admired how the Japanese put the human touch into their technological innovations. Now that touch extends to non-humans as well.
Bowlingual was presented to the public more than three years ago by Takara Corporation and was awarded the somewhat dubious honour of an Ig Nobel Prize, given to achievements that 'first make people laugh, and then make them think'. Takara recorded the various sounds a dog can make, noted what the canine utterances meant in differing circumstances, and then matched them with appropriate human phrases.
The contraption comes with a dainty little microphone that attaches to a dog's collar, which transmits the dog's voice to a hand-held translator with an LCD screen.
Dogs will never again be frustrated when they ask for food and their owner takes them for a walk instead.
Every morning before I leave for work, I practise my Japanese and imagine that, before long, Coco and Kate will be jumping up to say: 'Seeing you, master, is my deepest pleasure.'