My nephew from Hong Kong is living with me in North America. His parents want him to finish his secondary school education here as they want him to attend university here. He recently sat his mid-term examinations. After writing his last one, he thought that he had failed it and got drunk. The vice-principals suspended him for three days because of his behaviour. What can I do to help him? I know that if he does this again, he will be expelled from the school.
Florence Robertson, education consultant, responds:
I know that it must be a strain when you are responsible for a family member's son and at the same time are facing problems with him. One of the first things that you need to do is to have an open discussion with your nephew. Don't be critical. Instead ask him why he felt that he had failed his examination and why he resorted to alcohol when feeling depressed. Teenagers will often give short answers such as: 'I don't know.' Try to probe as much as possible to get to the bottom of the problem. It may be that he really doesn't understand the work. It could be that he hadn't studied properly. It might be that he has his mind on his girlfriend and really isn't putting in enough time on his studies. If you can help him to identify his own problems, he will be in a better position to suggest solutions and make changes.
At the same time, you need to find out what his expectations are such as wanting to go to university, studying for a particular profession, or going into the work force. Ask him what he needs to do to achieve these goals. Explain to him his parents' wishes for him and what they will sacrifice for him. It is important that he also understand your position. You are responsible for him and want to help him in everyway to achieve his goals. You, therefore, need to know when he feels overwhelmed with his work or needs guidance to keep going.
When you feel that you have had a good discussion and are fully aware of his problems, suggest that both of you have a meeting with the vice-principal or principal. He may feel embarrassed about this but help him to understand that both of you must be at the meeting to get the views of his teachers about his progress and his present situation.
This won't be easy for him but if he knows that you are there to support him and to learn what both of you can do to help him do well in his schooling, he will feel more at ease.
Encourage him to ask questions at the meeting rather than your having to do all the talking.