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Romance has changed in many ways since our parents and grandparents were first married, but the vital ingredients are still the same

LOVE EVOLVES IN different ways in different times and cultures. In the west, romance usually precedes marriage, but in the east it used to be the other way around: the boy and girl submitted to an arranged marriage and then waited for romance to commence once the wedding was over.

Modern romance is very different to what it was in our parents' and grandparents' eras. Looking back at how older generations conducted their romances, and how many elderly couples have preserved the essence of true love over the years, can be an inspiration to today's young couples.

Ng Shui-wing, 80, and Lam Lin-oi, 67, are close to celebrating their golden anniversary after being together for 48 years.

They live in a 200-square-foot flat in So Uk Estate in Cheung Sha Wan on a monthly government allowance of HK$2,000.

They cannot afford a washing machine, and a dim sum lunch at a restaurant would be a luxury. But hardship has not taken away anything from their love for each other.  More likely, it has strengthened the relationship.

'Happiness is not about money, love is not about money,' Mr Ng said. 'We have no money, but we share a rich life together. We talk over things, make decisions and take the consequences together. We have no regrets and nothing to complain about.'

Mr and Mrs Ng knew each other as children in the same village. Their only pre-nuptial encounter that came close to being a date was having lunch together, and that was a family affair with watchful siblings round the table.

Mr Ng said the two of them were drawn together by their similar personalities. They are a quiet, easy-going couple. Their 48 years together have been harmonious, with never an argument to spoil things.

'I know a couple who argue over the tiniest things, like who should do the dishes and who should sweep the floor,' Mr Ng said. 'We don't mind who does what as long as it's good for both.'

Mr and Mrs Ling Cham of Lai Kok Estate, Cheung Sha Wan, have been married for 67 years. Their marriage was arranged by their families when they were 19 years old. They did not get to meet each other before the wedding. Mr Ling believes that love is taking care of one another and being patient and forgiving.

Their love for each other was put to the test in 1987, when Mrs Ling suffered a stroke that left her unable to speak.

The couple have had to learn to communicate through silence. Mr Ling said his feelings for his wife have only grown deeper over the past decade, and through their unspoken communication he has gained a deeper understanding of his wife.

It is a joy to observe the couple doing things together, such as preparing lunch. Their sensitive body language and loving looks seem as good as any conversation, and what is more, there is not a hint of self-pity or sadness in them.

When Mrs Ling suffered her stroke, Mr Ling was advised by relatives and friends to consider putting his wife in a home for the elderly, but Mr Ling would have none of it.

'Marriage is a commitment,' he said. 'I want to take care of her. Besides, I don't trust the nurses. They would never look after her the way I do. Also, she does have a little temper sometimes. I know how to deal with it, but I'm not sure how others would.'

Asked if he had ever given his wife any presents, he said 'never'.

'If you love a person, you don't need gifts to sustain a relationship. If you don't love a person, a present would be dishonest. In the past, we would put the money we earned in a drawer. She was welcome to use the money to buy anything she wanted.'

Meanwhile, over in Tsing-yi, Woo Kam-fai, 70, and Ng Sau-chun, 67, said they had known each other for years before they first started dating, 50 years ago.

We asked Mrs Woo what it was that attracted her to Mr Woo.

'He was a pretty nice guy!' she said.

The chemistry between the couple is still as potent as it must have been half a century ago. They have a strong rapport and share plenty of jokes and laughs.

'Laughter solves a lot of problems,' Mr Woo said. 'We have never had any big quarrels, but we argue and laugh at each other. I am happy to have someone to argue and joke with.'

Mr Woo said he loved Mrs Woo for her hard work and considerate ways. She always seeks to please him, such as leaving the better part of a fish for him and making sure he was warm on cold days and nights.

'Having a partner makes the days happy,' Mrs Woo said. 'My health has deteriorated in the last couple of years, and he takes care of me. Our children have their own families and we don't like to depend on them. I am lucky to have a loving husband.'

Mr Woo said the essence of love was to always put your partner before yourself.

'Always forgive, always trust, always appreciate, always be patient and always be thankful,' he said.



Sharing the secret to everlasting love