as you like, you can try to share your experience and your point of view on things, but your teen won't hear you if they don't know first how much you care. How can you show that you care? First, listen without judgment to your teen. Teens are constantly being evaluated and compared. They're judged by their peers and by their teachers; they're examined with school tests; they feel as if they need to fit magazine images. Be a parent who doesn't make it difficult for your teenager to fit in with the family. Don't box or judge your teenager because as soon as you do they change. Secondly, ask permission to share your point of view. Often teenagers just need to let off steam - they actually don't want your opinion. Ask your teenager 'is this a time where you want me to listen, or do you want my point of view?' They'll tell you what they need from you.

Behave like a grown-up

Don't react with your teenagers' maturity level, but respond with your maturity level. Often in conversations and arguments, parents will react with the level of maturity that the teenager reacts with. For example, a teenager may respond by yelling, and blaming

you for all their problems and by making the conversation all about themselves. Don't react in the same way. Remember, you have 20 or so more years of maturity, self-esteem and confidence than your teen. Your identity should be secure. You've learnt how to deal with conflict; your teenager is still learning. Be the bigger person.

Be all ears

Listen to understand your teenager, not just to gain information from them. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to talk to their teenager just to gain information - for example, how was school?

What did you learn? Do you have homework? Teenagers will often answer these questions with a simple yes or no. These answers in turn frustrate parents because they want more information. You'll never get more information from your teen by asking questions. They'll feel as if they're being interrogated if you continually ask questions. Teenagers are smart. They know if you're listening to them.

Look for source, not the symptoms

The power of listening comes in again here, when observing your teenager. Don't just look at symptoms presenting themselves, such as secretive, private, angry, confused, emotional. Rather, find the source of these symptoms. Is the source an identity concern, a relational concern, a study concern? Once you find the source, you'll better understand your teen and be able to offer the support they require and not what you think they require. Often what you think and what they need are very different. If you only ever look at the symptoms, the source never gets dealt with. Many parents will deal with the symptom and wonder why it continues to get worse. It's as simple as listening to your teenager's heart and emotions. Remind yourself in every conversation to listen.

Set the right example

Teenagers will live what they learn, and they learn from what they see. As a parent-coach it's your responsibility to set a good example for your teenagers. Responsibility means an ability to respond to a given situation. Show your teenager your ability to respond so they can learn responsibility. Lead the way. Do you want your teenager to study? How often does your teen see you reading and learning? Do you want your teenager to be responsible with alcohol? How often do they see you drinking? Do you want your teenager to be in a great marriage relationship? If so, how do you speak about your spouse? How do they see your relationship? Teach your teenager to be consistent with your values, boundaries and standards. Nothing upsets a teenager more than seeing their parents being hypocritical.