Do not covet thy neighbour's sarong

Back to basics . . . Lai See likes to go for a long tramp in the woods. And we always have the most up-to-date camping equipment. Normally, this means a little black strapless number, red stilettos and something lacy underneath. But seriously, this advert has been running in our sister paper for a fortnight now. Loads of readers have called and faxed in about it. None of them are too keen on the idea of carrying sleeping bags and tents. If anyone out there works for Lafuma, can you get this fixed, please? The faxes are clogging up our machine. MEASURING wealth has always been a tricky business. In the UK, a huge report called Social Trends uses interesting indicators such as dishwashers per head, colour televisions per head and video recorders per head. It was demonstrated that video recorders made the jump from ''luxury'' to ''necessity'' a few years ago, when burglars stopped stealing them. The market for dodgy videos had become saturated and it was barely worth the effort of humping them down the stairs. In other places, Singapore for instance, trend analysts and economists apparently study breakfast habits. Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong tells the people of the Lion City that they ''never had it so good''. He also says success has not bred contentment but higher expectations. Presumably, people will also want black pudding, bacon, beans, mushrooms, grilled tomato, liver, onion, waffles and croissants for breakfast in a couple of years' time. Across the border in Malaysia, a different wealth measurement technique was once used. Professor Ungku Azis, vice-chancellor of the University of Malaya, calculated changing national individual wealth with the ''sarong index''. He found out how many sarongs were owned by households, which made working out how well you were doing compared with your neighbours easy. First schoolchild: ''My family had five sarongs on the washing line last week.'' Second schoolchild: ''But none of you went out that day.'' As Malaysia began to develop, a bicycle index was established. By now, it has probably taken a leaf out of Hong Kong's book and started measuring Rolls-Royces per capita. Bourse code EVERY day, the stock exchange sends out details of trading. It also distributes sheets of disclosable transactions, including directors' trades. Directors' dealings in the shares of the companies they run are especially interesting. We are protected from any possibility of the tiny number of not-totally-honest directors cashing in on inside information. But the sheets are far from straightforward to read. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether a trade is a buy or a sell. We recently tried to work out what was happening in a trade by Brian O'Connor, chairman and chief executive of Allied Group. We drew a blank, so we consulted one of this paper's many experts. He drew a blank, too. In despair, we contacted the stock exchange. Guess what? They don't understand the blasted things either. The reason these things are so tricky is to do with the mechanics of preparing them, apparently. Often, the director will report the transaction and the company he directs will also report it. That means all the transactions appear twice. The layout doesn't help, either. The stock exchange assures us the whole issue is being looked into, and a sheet which mortals can understand will be available ''at some point''. Guys n' gills DAVID Linehan sent us a truly terrifying story he read recently. Hermaphrodite and sterile fish found in English rivers indicate abnormal levels of the female hormone oestrogen, a key element in contraceptive pills. There is a risk the same thing could happen to men drinking the water. The source of the artificial oestrogen is believed to be urine from women who take the pill. The usual bunch of water authority and government spokespersons were wheeled out to rubbish the very ideas of there being the slightest, faintest scintilla of a shy, cowering risk. But Vivian Howard, a biologist at the University of Liverpool, said that if the hormone level was affecting fish, ''it will be affecting us''. Vivian, who is a man, disparaged claims by John Sexton of Thames Water that there was ''absolutely no risk''. The Department of Environment carried out the survey covering 31 rivers, and has concluded that dry summers contribute to the problem because of re-circulating drinking water. During those summers, up to 60 per cent of British river water can consist of treated sewage, as can 30 per cent of drinking water. Of course, Hong Kong drinking water doesn't contain any treated sewage. Death-watch IT must be ugly story day here at Rumour Control. Geoff Burpee of Discovery Bay sent in a nasty tale from a US magazine. In the United States it is already possible to buy pollution futures. Each contract gives the emitter of noxious fumes the right to discharge a fixed amount of sulphur dioxide in the contract month. And the reinsurance market has similar risk futures based on the likelihood and cost of various types of disaster. Another unusual market has been thriving in the UK for years. Life insurance companies quote a surrender value for a life insurance policy which the owner does not want to keep paying. But the companies do not give good value for money, so brokers have started buying them up and then auctioning them off to people willing to keep paying until maturity. Also, a small US market in real death futures is developing. The market mainly exists because of AIDS. A large number of single young men from the gay community are dying from the syndrome. The so-called pink dollar has long been recognised by advertisers - a target audience full of singles with higher-than-average incomes who spend a lot on clothes - but this is different. A person dying of AIDS with life insurance can now sell his policy to an investor who typically pays between 65 and 80 cents per dollar of eventual payout. The skill in buying is judging life expectancy. This may seem sick, but it is no more than the free-market in operation. Life style MUST rush off and visit one of the Jusco stores as soon as possible. They are perhaps the only places in the world where you can get to see living appliances. According to the company prospectus, ''living appliances'' made up 23.5 per cent, or $150.45 million, of direct sales last year. Living appliances include larger stuff, such as air-conditioners, washing machines and fridges, as well as some small things like toasters and shavers. Wonder if the fridge-freezers have big boomy voices and toasters have little squeaky ones.