From an early age, Cindy Wong felt unwanted in her family. The boys were loved; the girls weren't important. Three days after turning 14, she vowed to leave them at the first opportunity. 'I was quietly doing my homework in my room when my elder brother stormed in. He'd had a bad day. He ordered me to take my homework into the living room and when I refused, he dragged me there by my hair. With my parents and sister looking on, he fetched the stick my father kept in the kitchen for beatings. He whacked me once, twice. I was biting my jaw so hard my gums were bleeding, but I refused to cry. My father was watching and he urged my brother, 'Hit her harder'. The pain from the third whack was so excruciating I couldn't control my tears.'
Born in Hong Kong, with two older brothers and a younger sister, Wong learnt quickly how to fend for herself. 'Whatever my parents did, the boys were always the priority. To make things worse, my mother was a compulsive gambler, so my sister and I became responsible for all the cooking, cleaning and washing. By the age of 10, I was a very good cook, preparing meals for the entire family. But this didn't mean we girls were allowed to slack at school. If we got a bad mark on our report card my father's stick would come out. One red mark, one whack, two red marks, two whacks. My brothers were exempt from housework and the stick. They could do no wrong. I accepted I was powerless and could only feel resentful and angry towards my brothers, but I knew the day I turned 18 I would run away from home.'
Alice Yu Pik-lai from ReSource the Counselling Centre says that although many siblings say they weren't treated equally by their parents, they don't feel resentful because they understand that their parents loved them and tried their best. 'It's not a source of grumbling unless the favouritism is obvious,' Yu says. 'If it is, there are definite consequences when a child feels their parents have displayed blatant favouritism or have treated siblings unequally.
'The result of favouritism can often be emotional difficulties and these usually take two forms: helplessness or anger. Helplessness can lead to a perception of low self-esteem. The child gets the idea she doesn't measure up. If it becomes the dominant emotion, the person can become depressed. Whereas, when you're angry it gives you motivation to move on and to excel. It gives you an attitude.'
Simon Lassiter, 38. was never beaten by his parents, but feels as resentful and overlooked as Wong. 'Because I was the youngest and reasonably capable, mum and dad felt I didn't need much, so I don't think we bonded the way they did with my elder brother. I compensated by changing my personality to become a facilitator. I was always trying to smooth things over within the family.
'Dad always said the first-born son was the important one,' Lassiter says. 'I don't think he was being intentionally hurtful. He just didn't think about the consequences of what he said. It never really bothered me until I got old enough to realise that they see me differently - especially in the past 10 years - and this has had a profound impact. They don't view me as being as important as James, and they don't value my advice and opinions. I guess I'm the more financially successful, but in their eyes this only means I need even less from them.
'My parents have given James thousands and thousands of dollars. When they sold their house, they gave him furniture, paintings, family mementos. I got nothing because they didn't think I'd care. They contribute to James' children's school fees, and are forever buying them clothes and toys. The one time I had to borrow HK$20 from mum for a car park, she reminded me about it for six months. I don't care so much about the money, but I don't think they realise how much their affection means to their children and grandchildren. We all crave praise and recognition,'
