What a surprise when I received a catalogue titled 'Neuticles: It's Like Nothing Ever Changed'. I eagerly opened this one and discovered a product teeming with personality. Neuticles turns out to be artificial testicles that replace the natural pair after neutering. The catalogue claims Neuticles allow your pet to retain his natural look, self-esteem and aid in the trauma associated with neutering.

While writing this column I am as usual surrounded by my dogs, and I swear my neutered Afghan raised one of his eyebrows and I rolled over laughing. He didn't seem to have a self-esteem problem. Seriously, dogs don't have self-esteem as we know it, and certainly they don't even know that they are neutered.

Things like self-esteem or shame are higher functions that we sentient humans often project on our beloved pets. A common example that clients use to illustrate this point is that when their dog urinates in an inappropriate spot, they seem to know and are ashamed. But further questioning reveals that they often used negative reinforcement toilet training; no wonder their dog looks ashamed - in fear.

Like your new car, these artificial nuts come in a variety of options. You can get them in different sizes. You can get the cheap, hard version or the natural-feel version. I wonder how many of us actually go and feel our dog's testicles? The things I do for my job! You can even get a superdeluxe version with real-looking veins and vas deferens! Why wouldn't you want that? You can even get a pair of new testicles for your cat.

The catalogue claims 150,000 operations to install these prostheses have been performed without complications. I don't think I have ever heard of any surgical procedures performed that many times without complications. In fact, I think this type of operation is fraught with risk. Putting any prosthesis in any body space is liable to cause infection.

The catalogue also claims your dog will lead a happier and longer life, but it doesn't explain that the prosthesis doesn't do anything. Its the actual neutering operation that helps the dog.

The question on top of my mind is why would anyone want this? With the extra cost and risk involved, what would be a valid indication for such a product. Certainly not because of the emotive marketing used by this Neuticles company. The only reason I can think of is for those real macho-traditionalists among us that only consider superficial appearances as important.

There are some clients that are really turned off by the excess scrotal tissue that remains after an adult is desexed. Once the testicles are removed in large adult dogs, the bag that is left can be substantial. It is one of the reasons vets recommend early neutering. The excess tissue can be avoided if neutering is performed at six months. There are quite a few clients that expect the vet to remove the scrotum after neutering. This can be done, but is a very bloody and traumatic procedure that is performed only if there is substantial scrotal infection.

I don't recommend the use of cosmetic surgical procedures on animals unless there is a medical need. There are some conditions that require cosmetic procedures, such as the overgrown skin on a Shar Pei dog that often causes hair to touch the eye or skin-fold infections.

There are some who use Neuticles to cheat at dog shows, since it is a rule at most international shows that entrants must be entire to qualify. So if the dog had some accident or testicular cancer that needed the testicle to be removed, an unscrupulous client may use synthetic transplants. Once again, putting the animal through unnecessary pain for superficial personal gain.

Writing this article has given me a case of Neuticle envy. I think I will go to the local art supply shop and buy some papier mache to make a pair of my own.