This week: Neuticles
I get lots of strange mail. Just last week a woman posted a photo of her dog's loose stool to enhance my understanding of her dog's situation, and after treatment she even sent me another set of photos of a nicely formed stool to illustrate the success of the treatment. There was even a picture of her dog with anti-vomit medicine all over his face. Certainly a sight to behold and such mail brings lots of mirth to any sterile clinic environment.
You often get a large assortment of 'thank you' letters from appreciative owners. These I treasure and pin up on the clinic notice board. Apart from these, bills and catalogues are by far the most common mail. Veterinary equipment and drug catalogues are rather dry reading material. The most exciting ones are those showing elderly models displaying lead gowns for X-ray rooms. Pictures of bottles of medications are not very interesting and don't leave much for the imagination.
What a surprise when I received a catalogue titled 'Neuticles: It's Like Nothing Ever Changed'. I eagerly opened this one and discovered a product teeming with personality. Neuticles turns out to be artificial testicles that replace the natural pair after neutering. The catalogue claims Neuticles allow your pet to retain his natural look, self-esteem and aid in the trauma associated with neutering.
While writing this column I am as usual surrounded by my dogs, and I swear my neutered Afghan raised one of his eyebrows and I rolled over laughing. He didn't seem to have a self-esteem problem. Seriously, dogs don't have self-esteem as we know it, and certainly they don't even know that they are neutered.
Things like self-esteem or shame are higher functions that we sentient humans often project on our beloved pets. A common example that clients use to illustrate this point is that when their dog urinates in an inappropriate spot, they seem to know and are ashamed. But further questioning reveals that they often used negative reinforcement toilet training; no wonder their dog looks ashamed - in fear.
Like your new car, these artificial nuts come in a variety of options. You can get them in different sizes. You can get the cheap, hard version or the natural-feel version. I wonder how many of us actually go and feel our dog's testicles? The things I do for my job! You can even get a superdeluxe version with real-looking veins and vas deferens! Why wouldn't you want that? You can even get a pair of new testicles for your cat.