Lunch could be with Nicole [Kidman]; she asked me whether she should do Moulin Rouge or not. I said: 'Darling, any movie about make-up is going to be entirely boring.' I'm a cook, that was my trade, and I helped Nigella [Lawson] and Jamie [Oliver] as they came along. Nigella was a frumpy little sandwich maker when I first met her, but we worked together - me working more than her, obviously - and finally got her to show off both her assets. Jamie didn't know his meat from his veg until I got my hands on him.

In the afternoon I'll come back and do some housekeeping duties, order some gin for myself and some cheese and crackers. We have a boy at the castle, Dickie, and I usually try to get him to come for tea. He doesn't like my buns so much, but we often have a lovely tea together - tea for two, two for tea, me for you ... he's not so much for me, but we get there.

After that I'll retire for a little nap, rest my eyes a little before I get ready for dinner. I don't need much, make-up-wise - I'm all natural - but I use a bit of mashed parsnip as a face mask, as a body lotion and, in an emergency, as a draught excluder. I might go out on my balcony for a cocktail and often Snow White will pop up as she's now old enough to drink. She's at the age of boyfriends and everything too, so we've been looking around the royal families for a match. We quite like this pair of brothers, William and Harry, and we're just mulling over who gets which one. I'm quite fond of redheads myself and she likes blonds, so that might work out alright.

Snow White's like me; she's grown up with a certain standard of living, so some poor prince from Denmark is not going to do it. We want somebody with a bit more money than that, from a proper royal family. We need the money to keep us both in the lifestyle we're accustomed to. We talk about that and about her learning how to flirt.

Being able to conjure up a delicious meal is a useful tool in any woman's efforts to catch a man, but I always tell Snow White not to overrate it. Any girl who believes the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously aiming too high.

After a drink it's time for dinner. Of course, I'm always invited out, but not with anyone special - please make sure your readers know I'm single and available. I'm not single for lack of options; I've just been very responsible, looking after Snow White. But now she's going to find her prince, I'm thinking it's my turn. Being a dame entitles me to royalty and I'm looking in that bracket.

Dinner will always start with a champagne cocktail, and it's lovely, but we really like dessert - cream tarts, cup-cakes, lovely gooey stuff. A figure like this deserves to be worshipped after all. When it comes to exercise, I exercise my choice not to. I prefer to accessorise, after all, there's no such thing as too much bling. I believe if God had meant us to do aerobics, he'd have painted us purple.

Later, it's out for a spot of dancing in the clubs, where gentlemen will often buy me a drink - they know what I'm fond of. I'll try to be home to make sure Snow White's safely tucked up in bed then it's off to bed myself. If I stay out, it'll never be too late; I'm always home before sunrise.

Next year I'm hoping to see Snow White happily married off. I think there's a young man who may appear over the holiday season to capture her interest, which will leave me free to pursue mine.

I'm also hoping we can do something about this awful pollution [in Hong Kong]. I think the solution is sedan chairs. Everyone should have a sedan chair; of course, they've got to find staff to carry them. I often take a sedan chair to lunch, employing a couple of strapping young lads. It's quite nice to see them working and they like to heave me around.'