The Week Ahead
MONDAY ANIMAL rights protesters who walked naked down Nathan Road are exposed as hypocrites by a sharp-eyed local schoolboy. Said six-year-old Ny Eve Young: 'The Europeans were definitely wearing little bits of fur.' TUESDAY GREENPEACE cites Hong Kong as the world's biggest importer of noxious waste. 'Massive piles of untreated old rubbish and noxious gas is being dumped here by the Sino-British negotiating teams. It is a huge safety hazard,' said a spokesman. Several people,exposed to untreated piles of the data, have already fallen into a deep coma.
But as most were Foreign Office executives, political editors and Xinhua officials, their condition is unlikely to affect their work. Greenpeace urged the negotiating teams to treat their waste responsibly. 'It should be packaged into small paper blocks and buried at the bottom of book shop bargain bins,' said the spokesman, who went on to name Sir Percy Cradock as a fine environmentalist.
WEDNESDAY LADY Natasha Wilson criticises Lavender Patten for refusing to wear any of her jewellery. 'It is the duty of each Governor's wife to look as frumpy as possible,' barked the former First Lady. 'I am sure the people of Hong Kong feel slighted.' The rarely seen collection, inherited by Mrs Patten, is said to include a pair of tweed earrings, a velvet skirt/lawn marquee and her famous jewel-encrusted surgical truss donated by Deng himself.
THURSDAY Interior designer Eaudenil Wong is arrested for fire-bombing the ICAC headquarters. 'Its a conceptual thing - I just hate 1960s bureaucracy-style wood panelling soooo much and I had to do something about it. A lot of important people walk through that door after they have been arrested and believe me - first impressions count.' FRIDAY A TRANSPORT Department spokesman explains why taxi drivers will display identity plates showing the driver's photograph plus their full name in English and Chinese from April 1. 'To prosecute bad taxi drivers, tourists have to get their names. Previously that meant asking them directly.' said the spokesman. 'As a result we were spending a lot of time looking for a driver named 'Chee-sin Gweilo'.' SATURDAY Action star Tom Pussy, the hard-hitting feline heartthrob from the Tom and Jerry series of buddy movies, flies in to help with the hoopla leading up to the opening of Planet Hollywood. 'To be honest,' he confided, 'they actually wanted Mickey Mouse - I guess it's kind of in keeping with the spirit of the whole thing. But, hey, I hear local gossip columnists go ga-ga over third-rate stars, and I get to stay at the Grand Hyatt, so what the hell?'