Coming to grips with Hong Kong Stadium promotions
IT figures, now her skating career is all but over, that Tonya Harding might slip on a leotard, bare those thunder thighs of hers and take up the the multi-million dollar offer from the Japanese to star in women's wrestling.
Tokyo-based promoters were super quick to spot that her bad girl image and rough diamond looks were ideal for the grapple game. Her first bout, of course, would have to be against Nancy Kerrigan or a lookalike - roll-up, roll-up for the ''Big Meltdown - Thumbscrew Tonya v Nicey Nicey Nancy''.
Actually, the concept is so good that many of sport's, and life's, off-field altercations could be settled in the wrestling ring. What a bill you could have with the new Hong Kong Stadium the obvious venue.
Nearby residents will be hanging out their windows for the curtain-raising tag-match pitting Wicked Wembley with the So Kon Po Silents. Wembley's ''Raucous'' Robin Oram and Alan ''Loud'' Murray against ''Earplug'' Choy and ''Cotton Wool'' Cheung would have the crowd screaming so loud that the needles on the Environmental Protection Department's decibel recorders would be worn out.
Next up, a celebrity tag-match featuring former England soccer manager ''Gritty'' Graham Taylor and ''Magnificent'' Mahathir Mohamad of Malaysia against two ''Bovver Boys'' from the ''Bad'' British press.
Waiting in the wings to continue the tag theme are Australia's cultural ambassadors of the future, ''Mean'' Merv Hughes and ''Sledging'' Shane Warne. Up against the combative cricketers are ''Big Mouth'' Burmaan and ''Jaws'' Joost from the South African Supporters Association.
All the way from Brazil for the bill-topping bout are Joao ''Hang in There'' Havelange and ''Precious'' Pele. This is sure to be a cracker with the world's most powerful soccer administrator coming to grips with the most gifted footballer ever to lace up a pair of boots.
Only those at the Stadium will be able to view this contest as rival television stations in Brazil backed away from live coverage after allegations of bribery over the rights for the event.
Overseas rights have been snapped up, however, for the clash that every England cricket fan wants to see - Ian ''Beefy'' Botham and former chairman of selectors Ted ''Dunno'' Dexter. The whole England team will be in Botham's corner acting as seconds while Dexter has denied reports that he has asked David Gower to come out of retirement to carry on the drinks for him between rounds.
Expect a few martial art type moves in the next encounter between local judo rivals Henry ''Sledgehammer'' Shing and ''Ubiquitous'' Ugo Conta. The duo have agreed on a winner-takes-all format although a third party, Cyril ''Wannabe'' Wong, is threatening to take out a court injunction to stop the fight.
Lawn bowl adversaries Mark ''Miffed'' McMahon and ''King'' Ken Wallis will put the coveted singles spot in the Commonwealth Games on the line in the final attraction of the evening.
Of course, no event at the Hong Kong Stadium would be complete without a football match. And in keeping with the great Hong Kong sporting tradition, and to avoid any hint of favouritism, there won't be one.
Instead, the whole South China football squad will line up and simultaneously shoot into an empty net to kick off the proceedings.
