'The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you're born until the moment you stand up to make a speech.' So said American author and toastmaster Herbert V. Prochnow, who obviously knew the best man at my wedding.
My oldest, most trusted friend shuffled uncomfortably under the gaze of 100 guests, including the vicar, before announcing that 'Peter is the only man I know who has been breathalysed 10 times'. Cue, embarrassed coughing and a red-faced groom. While his anecdote was true, he omitted to mention that I lived near a police checkpoint and had passed all those breath tests - no consolation to my bride's anguished relatives as they contemplated her miserable marriage to a reckless drink-driver.
His speech went downhill from there. His attempts at humour became even less rib-tickling before he made the error of reading out every well-wishing card. It was interminable. Faces glazed over. Dogs started howling outside. Tumbleweed blew across the immaculate lawns outside the hotel. Honestly, I have seen the seasons change more quickly.
My best man forgot that a wedding speech is rather like prospecting for black gold - if you don't strike oil in 10 minutes, stop boring. There are three simple rules: stand up, speak up and shut up. If you can make the audience laugh, so much the better.
When I made my first wedding speech, as a best man in England way back in 1981, I was terrified. Then I realised that I had a critical advantage. The bride and groom, along with most of the wedding guests, were police officers. This offered fertile territory for a few humorous prods at the boys in blue. The big news story at that time was the arrest and conviction of Peter Sutcliffe, dubbed The Yorkshire Ripper after murdering 13 women. Police had wasted a lot of time looking for a man with a Geordie (northeast England) accent after calls from a hoaxer pretending to be the killer. Sutcliffe was eventually arrested for having false number plates on his car. He was most definitely not a Geordie and the police inquiry attracted heavy criticism.
As it happened, there were a few Geordies among the wedding guests. I politely asked them to line up and be fingerprinted by the police guests after the reception. The line got everyone in the party mood and, from that point, my nerves eased and my speech went well.